Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
Now that the holidays are upon us, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m caught in the middle between the disagreement between my dad and sister. My mom died two years ago, and it’s been hard on all of us. She’d be devastated about their relationship and would stop at nothing to bring them back together. But I can’t do that.
Thanksgiving was a disaster. My father and sister just glared at each other and didn’t talk. After so much work in preparing the meal, my only reward was tension around the table. I hated it. My husband and kids felt it too. After they left, my son said, “Thanksgiving used to be fun, but this year it was horrible.”
Both my dad and my sister try to influence me to take “their side” of the issue, rather than leave me out of it. I’m trying to stay neutral, but I feel I should do something to get things back to normal. I have no idea of what would that be.
I offered to host our holiday dinner this year before they started fighting. Since Thanksgiving, they don’t want to show up at family gatherings anymore. My family doesn’t want to repeat another tense holiday. But what’s the holidays without family? It’s more important now than ever, since Mom is no longer with us.
Because so much of my emotional energy is wrapped up in my father and sister’s drama, my husband and kids feel ignored. I feel like I’m disappointing absolutely everyone around me. Can you help?
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Torn
Dear Torn,
I’m so sorry about your mom’s passing. Time is a great healer. This quote about grief says it all. “Grief does not want to be solved. It wants to be held. Sat With. Witnessed …. It’s the shape of love after loss.” (Tierra Stockham.)
Your mom will always be in your heart. I bet she’d want you to prioritize taking care of yourself and your family rather than getting in the middle of the struggle between your dad and sister.
It’s natural to “try and assist,” but this is an example where you need to let them figure it out. Oftentimes, our willingness to help, robs them of a valuable learning opportunity. They each need to navigate whatever triggered the fight in the first place.
“Less is more,” in this case. The less you do, the more it forces them to solve the problem themselves. All of you will be stronger if you stay out of it.
Until they resolve their differences, you will need to see them independently and expect their absence at family gatherings. You can try to explain your choice by saying,
“I love you both. Because of that, I cannot take sides. Holidays are meant to be with family and celebrated. At Thanksgiving, even my kids noticed the tension. I have to think about them. Once you make up, we can all be together. In that way, there will be room for joy and no space for tension.” You can also add: “I really miss our time together.”
Regarding your husband and kids feeling ignored: this is a tough one. Moms feel this way often because we have been raised to believe that we’re supposed to be the universal caretakers for everyone and everything.
Sometimes we make mistakes and need to forgive ourselves. You need to do that. You cannot control the actions of others, like your father and sister’s behavior at Thanksgiving. You can only change your reaction. You are doing that by being open and letting them both know that they need to put aside their differences.
Stand strong and model the behavior you want to see in others.
If you start thinking more about standing up for yourself and less about disappointing others, you might start to feel better about yourself, your family and even the world.
You can do this!
Here for you,
