Dear Walking on Eggshells

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Dear Ally,

I never thought I’d be writing you, but here goes: I took a postponed vacation (due to Covid restrictions,) with my best friend. We had a fun time, saw incredible sites and met fantastic people. The last two days of the trip, my friend got Covid and had to isolate. Understandably, she became restless and crabby. On the last night, we got into a huge fight. At home, we went our separate ways, but we still had not resolved our disagreement. Both our feelings were hurt. Her therapist recommended that she not re-hash our experience. But I still had things to say. After a couple of weeks, we talked. I knew I had to apologize for losing my temper, but I expected a longer discussion about ways she hurt me. She sounded so fragile and distressed; I didn’t think it was the time to be totally honest with her. We ended the call amicably. Now she’s doing great, and I’m left with resentment toward her, because I have a lot more to say, but never got the chance. I know our friendship has been upended.  Should I try to talk with her, now that she’s feeling better?

Walking on Eggshells

Dear Walking on Eggshells,

You’re asking an important question and one that I still wrestle with. I think it comes down to this: how honest can we be in close friendships?  I used to think that “talking it out” between friends would solve even the biggest problems, but over the years, I wonder if that’s true.

It’s very complicated, because we’re always evolving and trying to work on the conscious and unconscious wounds of our childhood. What’s important to us now, may not be in the future. We always need to be able to separate “our stuff” from “our friends’ stuff.”

Talking can solve some problems, but other times, it can make it worse. We have to make sure, that we’re not hanging on to resentment, because we want to win the argument. This happens often. If that’s the reason, let it go. That’s only your ego talking.

If you choose the complete honesty route, plan for unforeseen consequences.

It’s a tricky business to speak your truth without hurting your friend’s feelings. You must ask yourself if it’s worth the risk?

My partner and I went on a trip with another couple. She was my college roommate and remained a close friend. Throughout the trip, she acted selfish, and it negatively affected our experience. I was completely honest with her, and it ended up in disaster. She sobbed, was hurt and now our relationship has changed dramatically. In retrospect, I judged her. I regret that. Would it have been smarter to notice that things weren’t going as planned, acknowledge that with her and let her know some things that could improve the trip? Yes, I think so. That way, I could have saved the relationship and feel satisfied knowing that we would not be good traveling partners in the future. 

All close relationships are different.  There is no one answer that will work for everyone.

Brene’ Brown makes the distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is about your behavior, but shame is about your being. Guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is “I am bad.” Many of us, feel shame when we hear that we’ve hurt a good friend. “The only thing that shame can’t survive is empathy.”

Figure out if not sharing your feelings is a betrayal to yourself. If it is, express it gently with no anger or judgement. This could also be in a letter, not a text or email. Let your friend know how important the relationship is to you. If you decide not to share your feelings, let it go, and try to rebuild your friendship.

Time is a masterful healer. My advice to you is to wait for the anger and resentment to settle. Maybe after enough time has passed, your feedback will be more readily accepted.

I have full confidence that you’ll do what’s right for you. Good friends are a lot of work, but definitely worth it.

Here for you,

Ally