Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
I’m really worried about my good friend. We worked together for nine years and were very close. I got another job, but we still kept in touch frequently. Over the years, her marriage began to fall apart. She finally told me that her husband had physically threatened her and was violent more than just a couple of times. Now, they are almost divorced, but for financial reasons, are still living in the same house. She won’t kick him out. There’s more …
Over the past year, she has suffered severe symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, with no relief from assorted medical professionals. She’s gained back almost all of her 100-pound weight loss and has started smoking again. She’s in so much pain that she can’t cook, exercise and even driving is painful.
When I try to call, text or email her, she doesn’t respond or waits sometimes over a week to reply. I go crazy when I don’t hear from her. I’m afraid that her husband has hurt her or even worse. When she finally does respond, she acts completely clueless as to how much her friends worry about her safety.
Even though she complains about her terrible husband, she doesn’t do anything about it.
Another thing that is really bugging me about her is that she refuses to vote at a time when women are losing all of their rights. But I’ll save that for another day.
I want to help my friend, but doesn’t she need to help herself first? What can I do?
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Worried Friend
Dear Worried Friend,
You are a good friend and have excellent instincts about your friend’s well-being. Your letter contains many issues. I’ll try to unpack them in order of priority.
SAFETY
I assume that you have already communicated to your friend that you are very worried about her, because she is still living with her abusive ex-husband. Make sure you have your friend’s correct address and her closest relative’s phone number. The next time she doesn’t respond within a decent time, you can always call her relative to check up on her or ask the local police to conduct a wellness check. The police will stop by at her house to make sure that she is OK.
Give your friend a heads-up that if she doesn’t respond to you in a timely manner, you will make these calls. Maybe she will finally understand that she’s living in a dangerous situation. Oftentimes, we use denial as a coping mechanism, but when our physical safety is at risk, the stakes are too high not to face them head on.
If she cannot kick her abusive husband out of her house. Tell her about The Sojourner Family Peace Center, a safe place for her to stay. It is located at 619 W. Walnut Street in Milwaukee. Their 24-hour hotline is: 414-933-2722. They can offer emergency shelter, information and support groups for people impacted by domestic violence.
Health
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are auto-immune diseases and can take a long time to resolve. What brings relief to one person, may not work for the next. Stress will only exacerbate her symptoms. She needs to kick her husband out or move somewhere else to start her journey toward wellness.
Exercise
When your friend gets herself situated in a safe home environment, she can slowly begin an exercise routine. I would suggest Yes2next on YouTube.
It’s a mother–daughter team (sometimes a cat too) that encourages viewers to start at their own pace. There are lots of programs to choose from. They’re upbeat and empowering and just might help your friend get on the right track.
You are also right about the importance for everyone to vote in November. But you can’t have that conversation until she’s in the right mindset to hear it. Safety is the first issue here.
Your friend is lucky to have you in her corner. I hope that she can see her way clear to choose the value of her own life and leave the past behind her.
Here for you,
