Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
Today was a really bad day at work. It was terrible because of the negative voices in my head, not anything external. I feel like I bounced around all day with voices of self-doubt and self-criticism. Why today? How come I’ve never noticed theses voices before?
I hold a top executive position and make a good salary in a respectable company. Because of my “success with various projects,” top management wants to promote me. As time draws closer to my advancement, my panic attacks are increasing and my relationships with my boss and co-workers have become tense. Up until now, my work relationships have been positive. Now, they’re deteriorating, and I think it’s my fault.
For example, today, during my presentation for my boss, I clammed up and couldn’t talk. I was almost speechless. Normally, I would have done an excellent job. The disparaging voices in my head stopped me in my tracks. I felt like a teenager and totally shut down. I did a miserable job. Both my boss and I were shocked. What happened to me?
Right after that, my female workers went out to lunch and didn’t invite me. As a kid, I’ve always felt left out. I didn’t get invited to as many sleepovers as the other girls in my class. While eating alone at my desk, I became like a ten-year old again and felt angry and resentful. My day was ruined.
Am I going crazy? One day at work and I act like a silly teenager with my boss and an angry 10-year-old with my co-workers. Where are all of these horrible thoughts coming from? How come I’ve never noticed them before? Please help.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
Going Crazy
Dear Going Crazy,
I can assure you that you’re not going crazy. In fact, noticing the voices in your head may have opened an important door for you to better understand important facets of yourself. Coincidentally, I recently read about Internal Family Systems or IFS. It was developed by Richard Schwartz Ph.D. He wrote about some reasons why you may be experiencing these voices and why your younger selves were triggered by work related events.
Schwartz believes that the mind is not a singular entity but is comprised of multiple “parts.” According to Schwartz, different “parts or voices talk to us throughout the day. Each ‘part’ has its own belief, feelings and characteristics.” These parts protected us from harmful situations in the past.
For example, your protective role may have been activated with your boss to protect you somehow. Perhaps an authoritarian figure in your past? Maybe as a kid, you had a traumatic experience with someone older than you, and you needed that voice to guide you to safety.
As we get older, we need to befriend these parts and tell them to step aside to allow our “core self” to lead our life. If we don’t do this, we risk having teenage voices running our lives as adults.
Schwartz presumes that the core self gets overrun by all of these protective voices or parts. We can think of our various parts as playing different roles throughout our life experiences. Each part plays a valuable role in our life, but when a trauma occurs, these parts play a bigger role and dominate the core self.
According to Schwartz, we need to learn about each part, so that the core self is in charge of steering our life.
The situation with your female co-workers is easier to figure out because of your childhood experiences of feeling left out. Your work situations may have triggered painful memories from your past during your teenage years and at age 10.
Although it’s painful at the time, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. According to Schwartz, we need to learn how to befriend each role, so that the core self can steer our life.
I would encourage you to read No Bad Parts or An Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz or check him out on YouTube. There are many therapists in the area that specialize in IFS.
In the meantime, try to notice what type of situations trigger the voices. This will give you valuable information to better understand your reactions. If it’s right for you, accept the promotion and remember to breathe, give yourself time and act as a good friend to yourself.
Here for you,
