Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
I’ll cut to the chase. I’m only attracted to men that treat me poorly. The romance is wonderful and always ends with heartbreak. What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I break my pattern and choose a decent guy? Even if he was standing in front of me, I wouldn’t recognize him.
My best friend says to take time off and begin to love myself. How do I do that? She assured me that I’ll land on my feet. But I don’t even know what that means. I’ve never felt this lost.
How do I Self-Love
Dear How do I Self-Love,
You will land on your feet. Thank God for supportive girlfriends who have our backs.
Loving yourself is more than self-care. It’s a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It involves being present to our minds, bodies and spirits. Society teaches females to be people pleasers, contrary to what is best for us. This defining message from many aspects of our external world adds difficulty to finding out what we want for our own life.
When we’ve been raised with the false notion that we need to prioritize what others want over our own needs, we spend our lives working against our own self-interest. By the time we realize this, if we ever do, we need to start from scratch.
Glennon Doyle, in her book, Untamed, writes, “Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.”
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She’s talking about self-love. Where do we start? For me, I recommend some important steps that you can do on a daily basis to kick start your journey to self-love.
Start your day with a 10-, 20- or 30-minute practice
If it makes you feel good: Meditation, Tai-Chi, journaling, stretching, yoga or a brisk walk outside in nature.
Elizabeth Gilbert (Author of Eat, Pray, Love) in Substack, writes a letter in her journal every day and asks: “Dear Love, what would you have me know today?” In Elizabeth’s words, she says that this letter “is from love to me and through me.” After writing, she waits for the response. She swears that one always comes. Elizabeth has been doing this for several years and swears that this one question has changed her life. Full disclosure, I have not tried this journal exercise yet, but I plan to. A good friend of mine has started and looks forward to it every morning.
Always check in with yourself first
When you are invited to any social event; small or big, best friends or strangers, find a way to check in with yourself. Go to a quiet place and listen to your own answer to see if you really want to go or not. When on the journey of self-love, we need to follow our own advice. How often have we wasted our time at something to avoid hurting others’ feelings? Time to change this behavior.
Retire the Judge
We are our own worst enemy when we judge ourselves. We immediately censor our best ideas, intentions and creative impulses. When our mind stops us with a negative judgement, say to yourself, “Not Now.” Ignore those thoughts. Be disciplined about this practice. Once you stop giving those thoughts power, they will show up less and less. You will start to feel better about yourself.
Healthy Relationships
You know you have a good friend because you’ve felt seen and heard by them. You feel safe. They don’t ever make you feel small and always treat you with respect. They’re willing to talk things through if you have a disagreement. They show up for you and make your soul happy.
Daily Physical Exercise and Nutritious Eating
These two habits are the foundation for a healthy lifestyle. You’ll find that as you learn to love yourself more, there two vital habits will become even more important.
You are attempting a challenging journey
I’m confident of your success. Remember that “Energy follows attention. Wherever you place your attention, that is where the energy of the system will go.” (Anonymous)
In other words, stay on course and your life will positively change. You will love yourself because you’ll hear your heart’s call and feel your own love coming home.
Here for you,
