How Do You Avoid Codependency in a Marriage?

Expand

Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

Similar to last month, I, too, am having problems in my marriage. But rather than moving to the suburbs, my spouse always needs to control everything. I’m so tired of “his way or the highway.” He’s judgmental and blames me for everything. He’s quite mean while doing it. In order to avoid an argument, I walk on eggshells more times than I’ll admit. I’m lonely in this relationship and feel like I’m losing more of myself every day.

There’s lots of articles I’ve read about needing to express my needs and the differences in our love languages, but none of that works. We just can’t communicate!

 The truth is I don’t feel seen or heard by him. I bet he would say the same about me. I thought marriage was a partnership. We both could be true to ourselves and love the other person. I still love him but am fed up. Now that I’m 55, living a peaceful life has become a priority. That seems impossible in this marriage. Can you help?

Ready to Give Up

Dear Ready to Give Up,

I’m so sorry things are tough for you. Your complaints about your husband are legitimate. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard in every relationship. Loneliness can be a common problem, especially if we feel our needs are ignored.

Relationships are complicated. We not only bring our social and cultural beliefs to the relationship, but our entire family backgrounds as well. We carry values about sex, money management and everything else, into our intimate relationships. Our unhealed childhood wounds aren’t far behind either. They often show up with our life partner as a “trigger.” When we are triggered, by our partner, it has nothing to do with them. Instead, it’s an old wound that has been broken open from our past. It sounds like your husband’s pain has been triggered by your actions and he needs to do some internal work around this.

One of the best things we can do to maintain our integrity and be authentic is to be able to separate our inner issues from our partner’s.

Words Hurt

Your husband said some mean things to you. We’re all familiar with the numerous plant studies that show kind words help plants grow and thrive and mean words cause them to wilt. Your husband made a mistake. Words affect all living things.

You mentioned that you felt like you were losing yourself.  Sometimes we do this as a way to avoid arguments. That’s not compromise and only buys you time. We only hurt ourselves when we do this. It’s exhausting and deadly.

Co-dependency is defined as “a relationship dynamic where one person sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the other.” (Online Psychology Today.) Co-dependents Anonymous is a great organization that meets in person or online and can give you resources about ways to stay true to yourself in intimate relationships.

How are you going to figure this out? Do you need some space alone, where you can get grounded and think clearly? If you do, that’s an important first step. Maybe you can stay with a girlfriend or family for a couple of days. It’s important to have a clear head when dealing with these deep, emotional issues. If you think there’s a small chance of saving the relationship, it’s important that you identify the key changes that you need in order to stay. What’s your bottom line if you want to give the relationship another chance?

If you need help, you may choose to see a therapist alone first to help you sort things out. Some of the best reviewed online therapy sites are: Better help; Regain; Pride counseling; or Online therapy.com.

You can also ask your friends for their personal therapist recommendations.

When the time is right, if your husband will go to therapy, you can work on your marriage together.

Use this time of exploration to love yourself more, put yourself first and know that whatever you decide, you’ll land safely on your feet to live the peaceful life that you deserve.

You Can Do This!

Let me know how it goes.  askally@shepexpress.com

Here for you,

Ally