Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
It’s really important for my partner to dine with his parents and brothers’ family over the holidays. There’s no escaping it, except faking illness. My in-laws are MAGA Republicans. I’d create a big blowout if I shared my views, so I just bite my tongue. But staying silent feels like I’m betraying myself. When they drink, it only gets worse with lots of insulting remarks. I think they’re trying to bait us into an argument. Instead, we go home early, feeling awful. Please advise me on ways that I can tolerate this horrible situation.
Survivor: one holiday meal at a time
Dear Survivor,
You’re not alone. Too many families have been broken up by our country’s political divide. It’s just human nature to believe that our perspectives about the facts are right. If we just provide more information, it will surely convince the other party to agree with us. Instead, facts are a trigger that will only lead to arguments in this current political environment.
Right now, it’s too irrational for enlightened conversation, where people actually listen to one another. I’m not giving up on compromise, but with all of the crazy thinking around us, we need to take it slow, especially with family members.
Pew Research states that 85% of American voters felt largely misunderstood by voters from the opposite side. This is a problem. Use your desire for change and contact your state and federal legislators on issues you care about. It’s their job to listen and respond to you.
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Braver Angels is an organization dedicated to depolarization, They run workshops where “red” and “blue” participants try to understand one another and discover shared values.
To enjoy a successful holiday dinner, resist the temptation to change your relatives’ minds. Once you are free from persuading them to your viewpoint, you can go to the dinner with an open heart, rather than prepare for potential combat.
Believe it or not, even if we are divided, we can still connect as human beings. It’s easy to forget when no one is talking to each other. Pat yourself on the back for making plans that will work best for you and your partner.
Be kind to yourself
Emotions are already running high during the holidays. Know that there are thousands of people in your shoes. Here are some steps that might help. They will require some prep work on your part. It’s worth it, especially if you can enjoy your time together.
Before you go
Meditate or spend some quiet time to center and ground yourself.
Try the tapping exercise for anxiety on YouTube. Even if you are not feeling nervous, think of it as a preventative technique. I do this all the time, especially before going to the dentist.
Scan your brain for things you might have in common with your partner’s relatives: sports, gardening, celebrities, new restaurants, novels, websites, apps or Netflix series. Be curious. Ask them about their interests as a way to start the conversation.
Baratunde Thurston, author of How to Be Black and host of PBS’ America Outdoors, was recently interviewed by Margaret Hoover. When asked, how he handles folks whose opinions on important issues are diametrically opposed to his, He said, “If we can find something to laugh about, that always works.”
It does! When you can share a laugh, human connection becomes instantaneous. If you have a funny story or joke, tell it. For a good laugh watch SNL Thanksgiving Blessings on YouTube.
Small connections go a long, long way in creating trust. These moments create openings and possibilities for future conversations. A foundation is built for the next dinner. And the next.
Here for you,
Ally
