Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
Since the Presidential election, political differences with my good friend have increased. How could she have voted for Trump? She’s always been an advocate for women. She even defends Elon Musk.
The other night, I lost my cool and ranted about Musk, an unelected henchman. She raised her eyebrows, like she knew better than me and talked about how he’s saving taxpayer money.
In the middle of my explanation of Musk’s real motives, she cut me off and changed the subject. The bottom line: she treats me with disrespect.
What can I do to get through to her?
Sad at losing a friend.
Dear Sad at losing my good friend,
You’ve identified a big problem in our country. Many people, just like you, are faced with politically difficult relationships with parents, siblings, children, co-workers and extended family.
How do we even try to agree to disagree without a complete destruction of the relationship? For me, it’s my neighbors. Since the president was elected the first time, we have respected the unwritten rule that the discussion of politics was prohibited at neighborhood gatherings. After the most recent election, the underlying tension is almost unbearable and now the get togethers have come to a standstill.
In the past, I have provided friendship advice on this issue, but the situation between you and your friend’s challenge is a bit more complicated.
In Trump’s second term, his foreign policy changes and program cuts are cruel and hurting millions of people, from hard working immigrants to babies’ lives, who will no longer receive critical life-saving medicines, due to AID cuts.
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Anyone other than a small group of wealthy people are at risk: Women, Gays, LGBTQ, Black, Brown, Trans, people with disabilities, working and middle class; we are all on the target list. The budget cuts go way beyond government efficiency and slice the heart out of anyone that doesn’t fit the right financial profile. The uncertainty and lack of compassion is causing universal fear around the world.
I’m not sure why your friend doesn’t see this, but here are a couple of suggestions to try and resolve your differences:
- Agree that your relationship will not allow the discussion of politics (I’m afraid your friendship will take a toll with this solution.)
- Have an open discussion about politics with a specific time limit for both of you, and the intent that neither one of you will try to persuade the other of their point of view. (This too is difficult, because we are motivated in our desire to be right in our disagreements. This is a barrier to all discussions. If you both understand that the reason you’re talking about your political views is not to persuade, you will be able to better listen to each other. This will be an excellent practice for both of you.)
You can recite this quote from Esther Perel, “Listen. Just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality.”
- No matter what you do, if she’s a good friend and you want to remain good friends, I recommend that you tell her that the friendship is important to you, but that you have not felt heard in past political discussions. Always start your statements with I. For example: “I have not felt heard when we’ve discussed politics in the past.” In this way, because you’re only talking about your own feelings, your friend will not feel judged. The talk will be healing for you and may be insightful for her.
In the meantime, please keep working to make the U.S. a strong democratic country, like your life depended on it. Because it does. This is the time to be active about our political viewpoints. Download the 5 Calls app. It’s simple and will give you the phone number of your elected officials and key talking points. Phone calls are more important than emails. The staff counts the calls and tells the elected federal representative. As former Congressman John Lewis said, “Speak up, speak out, get in the way. Get in good trouble, necessary trouble and help redeem the soul of America.”
Spread Light. Spread Hope. Act Now.
