Am I Nuts?

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What’s wrong with me? I have a great partner, I like my job, I have wonderful friends, I’m in good health and I have enough money. I should have no complaints at all, but I’m not happy. It feels like something is missing, but I have no idea what it is or where to find it. Am I nuts?

Nope, you’re not nuts. But I get how you might feel like it. Happiness is a misunderstood concept. People believe that it’s a steady state when, in reality, happiness visits us in moments. There are scads of research studies devoted to figuring out what makes people happy. The premise being, if only we knew the definite ingredients we could then install those components in our lives and, voilà!—happy ever after. Unfortunately, there is no one path to bliss, so install all of the internal happiness software you want. It might work all of the time, some of the time or not at all.

Many people with your question might start a different way—with what’s wrong in their life. To have no true pals, a dysfunctional relationship, a crappy job where you are underappreciated and underpaid, etc. are very good reasons to be stuck in a pessimistic funk. You, on the other hand, defy logic: All is pretty darn well in your world so, to your point, what’s missing?

Here are some things to think about as you continue to ponder this existential query:

• What, literally, is your definition of “happy”? Start by writing down how you would define it, then check out what the dictionary says. Make sure to look at the synonyms for happy. One or more of those other words might actually describe the state of being you operate in; you might be thinking that there’s something else, or something more or different that you’re supposed to be feeling, but it might be a labeling problem instead. Maybe you actually are happy, but by another name.

• It’s been said, “Happiness is an inside job,” which would imply that your solution lies along the path of an inward pursuit. There are plenty of experts, wise sages and self-help book authors that would swear by this notion. If you only add or subtract or tweak some things in your inner interpretation of the world, the holy grail of happiness will be yours. So have at it: meditate, do some yoga, read a self-help book, pray; it’s all great. But don’t get too attached to your pre-conceived notion about the outcome of your efforts. Find your moments of pleasure, contentment and joy in the process vs. waiting for a big result.

• Research also shows a correlation between happiness and social interaction. People who have friends or are in a reasonably good relationship or feel part of a clan they consider to be family and who make a regular habit of spending time and energy on such relationships report being happier than those who don’t have these connections. There’s something to be said for having people to vent about life’s woes with or to have some good laughs with. Both misery and joy love company.

• What decidedly does not contribute to existential happiness, however, is an over-dependence on Facebook or other social media for connection. Sure, Facebook has been and will continue to be literally a life-changing, world-changing phenomenon—both for better and for worse. It’s great for rekindling old friendships gone dormant or maintaining long-distance communication. But for now, put down your device and interact with actual, living, breathing humans. I guarantee you’ll be happier. (Besides, devices can’t give hugs.)

So stop trying so hard. You are not describing yourself as someone who is clinically depressed and in need of medication. Try paying attention to the tiny bits of contentment, humor and beauty that come your way each day. Label them happiness.

Finally, if you feel like reading, here are a few books on the subject:

• Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project (gretchenrubin.com).
• Dan Harris, 10% Happier (10percenthappier.com).
• Ruth Whippman, America the Anxious (ruthwhippman.com).

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On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. You can send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com and comment at ShepherdExpress.com.