Dear Shrink,
Can you help me figure out how to be less of a worrier? I feel like I’m more anxious than a “normal” person would be about things. My mother is a really intense worrier. Did I inherit my hyper-anxiety from her? She’s really struggled in life because of it and I want to get my own anxiety under control so I don’t repeat her patterns.
The Shrink Replies:
Worrying is not an actual psychiatric diagnosis but if it were, I’d say it’s an epidemic. Unlike many epidemics, though, there’s no vaccine to prevent it or a quick, handy antidote should it strike. Anxiety is the broad term for the malady you describe and all of us, to one degree or another, suffer its effects. In fact, intense, acute episodes of high anxiety or panic attacks can be paralyzing.
Did you inherit your anxiety from mother? Yes, but with a caveat. There’s a lot of interesting research about the role genes play in predisposing us to illnesses. The upshot is that it’s not a given that our genes completely control our fate. Rather, our environment and lifestyle have the capacity to join our genes in charting our destiny and can override some historical genetic patterns. Check out the science on this by Googling “epigenetics.” Also, Bruce Lipton is an expert in the field and his website is full of interesting, free content. So, as for your frazzled nerves, while the nature part of the equation—genetics—is a factor, the nurture aspect—the learned behaviors, attitudes and vocabulary you adopted by watching how your mom handled things has an equally potent influence. Like it or not, we all pick up at least some of the habits of our parents.
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Here are some ways to keep your worry in check:
• Stop. Take a couple of deep breaths. It sounds trite but it’s a tried and true way of resetting your physiology. Physically stopping and just breathing for a bit (close your eyes if you can) helps halt the runaway train of crazy-making thoughts in your brain. If you want, you can get right back on the train after your breathing break is over, but for a few moments let your jaw unclench, your shoulders drop, and your heart rate slow a bit. If you make a habit of this readily available, free, anxiety antidote you might get used to it. With time it will become one of the most useful tools in your “life skills toolbox.” If you can’t breathe deeply, don’t worry about it. Any slower, more deliberate breathing is great and, if you keep at it, you’ll find a rhythm that soothes you.
• Listen. While you’re taking those breaths, see if you can tune in to another external or internal sound to focus on to override the repetitive mental chatter. Don’t worry—your internal story will resume if and when you choose to listen again. But if you can catch an auditory glimpse of rustling leaves or chirping birds or even the sound of your own breathing, you might make a habit of seeking it out as a break from the always-running, catastrophic story-telling going on in your head.
• Redirect. Depression feels like having low or no energy but anxiety feels like too much energy gone rogue—a mental dervish spinning out of control. It’s really hard to turn off the mix of worries, fears, bothersome inner voices and the rush of adrenaline they trigger. The good news is you can exert some control over this rampant energy and actually choose where to direct it. Learn some ways to make this nervous energy serve you rather than torment you. Physical movement is a good place to start. When the 3 a.m. demons come calling, take some breaths, listen for your soothing sound, and if they’re still messing with you, get out of bed and walk around the house. Have a drink of water. Read a chapter in a book. Write your thoughts down in a notebook (no screens, please, if you want to get back to sleep). Try to export that churning energy from your busy brain to a more benign distraction.
Anxiety is annoying and persistent and people do all kinds of things to wrestle with it. A glass or two of wine might feel relaxing in the moment but will not stand the test of time with such a daunting foe. You’re better served to try some new behavioral tricks and have a little faith in the science that says you’re not doomed to suffer the same fate as the anxious elders who preceded you.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care.
Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
