‘I Destroy My Enemy When I Make Him My Friend’

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Photo Credit: Shahariar Lenin/Pixabay

“I want to be my own master. You know, be in charge of me,” Mark told me.

“Who’s in charge of you now?” I asked.

“My obsession with money,” he replied.

Like Mark, many of us harbor needs, impulses and longings that hijack or do battle for control of our lives. These inner masters, so to speak, can vary from an addiction to drugs, gambling, food or sex to over-the-top psychological needs for approval, fame, success and other “complete me” scenarios. Most often, these desires stem from a mindset best labeled as “if only.” We know the drill. If only I had X, then I’d be happy, fulfilled or whatever.

“Tell me about this part of you that’s so into money,” I pressed.

“Well, it makes me pursue financial success regardless of the cost in terms of my family and health,” he confessed. “It owns me.”

Inside of Mark, there is a mental civil war. That portion of his psyche that brought him to my office feels like it’s at the mercy of another part of him that has an insatiable hunger for the almighty dollar. Some might suggest his better self (that wants more than just money) is morally superior to his base self (that is seemingly consumed with greed). This is a common depiction in which one persona is viewed as righteous and wholesome, while the other is characterized as evil, selfish and fixated on egocentric ambitions. Sadly, this perspective only fuels the inner conflict.

“What does money represent to you?” I asked him.

“Freedom,” he replied.

“That seems like a worthy goal, but the way you’re going about it has produced the opposite result—slavery,” I suggested.

Any maniacal need or compulsion renders one an indentured servant, a puppet on the proverbial strings of some inner mental master. But, breaking free is rarely a simple matter, not a mere exercise of will, as some suggest.

Why? Because there is no unified, congruent will inside one’s self to be exercised. When the self is separated into warring factions, each “part” attempts to impose its agenda, creating the proverbial house divided. Often, the result is a mental standoff. No winner, no loser—just an endless conflict.

“One way to approach this is to transcend the whole master-slave dichotomy,” I recommended to Mark. “Perhaps your antagonistic personas can be partners instead of adversaries.”

Making peace between the various competing interests that inhabit one’s psyche is both a spiritual and psychological process. Like bringing together people who are in bitter conflict, healing the divided self requires understanding, acceptance and, ultimately, compassion.

“You want me to accept the greedy part of myself?” Mark questioned.

“You have to embrace who you are, warts and all, before you can change how you live your life,” I counseled.

Accepting your undesirable facets does not mean encouraging the behaviors they generate. As Gandhi stated, “Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

The goal is to nurture a kind of “peaceful village” inside the mind where all your diverse personas respect one another and work cooperatively for the common good. So, Mark set about becoming a peacemaker. He journaled daily, sometimes writing from the side of himself that lusted after money, and other times writing from the part wishing to be free of that obsession. Like any respectful dialogue between adversaries focused on mutual understanding, gradually, this contemplative process created a truce of sorts, followed by greater collaboration. He also invested more in his spiritual life and sought the counsel of several mentors. The result? Neither side was master nor servant.

Mark continued to pursue financial success but less obsessively, and not at the expense of his family and personal life. In turn, he invested more time and energy in important relationships and plain old fun.

Within his mind, he achieved what Lincoln referenced when he said, “I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.”

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