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Podcaster in an office
A male podcaster in an office
With some frequency, I’m asked to give speeches, conduct workshops or otherwise mentally expose myself to groups of people who imagine I have something valuable to tell them. This can be flattering, but also sometimes leaves me with imposter syndrome. I don’t feel all that wise.
What many of us want when we consult a so-called “expert” is hard and fast answers, advice we can take to the bank and cosmic truths that don't erode over time. Even those who consider themselves intelligent skeptics not easily persuaded by the smooth syrup of psychobabblers often harbor an unspoken yearning to receive a panacea for life's toughest knots.
I know I do sometimes.
Well, during most of my presentations, I strive not to act too much like some know-it-all, not only because I don't feel like one, but also because I truly can't be an expert on someone else's life. To embrace this idea, in one presentation on parenting, I started by asking the audience to tell me what qualities make a parent effective. They didn't use all my flashy terminology, but they pretty much knew the answers anyway.
In another gig about marriage, I presented the audience with hypothetical problem scenarios involving pet peeves, an unfair division of labor and disputes about parenting. Then I asked them to suggest the best ways for them to respond. They came up with most of the options experts are eager to offer.
Obviously, when it comes to certain subjects, like budgeting, computers, household maintenance, gourmet cooking and the like, most of us can learn a lot from true experts. But in the psychological arena of living one's life, anyone claiming expert status about you should be approached with wariness, if at all.
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Art of Living
Most of us have learned a lot about the art of living from others, but few of these others were intentionally teaching us. Generally, we learn best by example, by observing and modeling the behaviors of those who seem accomplished at what we hope to master. Self-proclaimed experts are not big on my list of mentors or role models.
Nonetheless, expert status is often readily conferred upon we shrinks by virtue of publishing a book (or a newspaper column), being charismatic or simply gifted with good speaking skills. However, more than a few attain this repute simply because they are the modern equivalent of snake oil salesmen. Book knowledge is one thing. Lived knowledge is something else altogether.
For example, before becoming a parent, people used to ask me to give workshops on "positive parenting." Thankfully, I possessed just enough common sense to turn away these offers, but there are some parenting gurus who've never changed a diaper or sat through a temper tantrum.
There's a lot of this going around. So-called experts on marital bliss who've never been married (that explains the bliss), preachers of "love everybody" who've never been victimized or abused, stress management gurus who manage their own nerves with booze, sex therapists who can’t remember the last time they made love, etc.
Truly Wise
Granted, there is such a thing as wisdom and some people have more of it than others, but many folks possess some of their own, and if you give them the opportunity, they'll bring it forth. The truly wise often recognize there is no standard recipe for living life and, even if there were, it can't be taught. It must be learned through experience.
Working with clients, I listen intently for upwellings from their intuition and subconscious mind, knowing we all have a degree of inner wisdom. So, when people call on me to be an expert, I call on them to help me out with their expertise, as well.
Nicholas Butler, an American philosopher, said: “An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.”
While that certainly doesn’t apply to all experts, in my field, it certainly applies to some. I’m trying hard not be among them.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
