Any Ill to Find the Cure

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One Sided Relationship

As an old Eagles song reminds us, some people will “try any ill to find the cure.” Cindy was a painful case in point.

“I’ve been divorced twice and went through a half dozen other romances that ended in disaster,” she lamented.

“Like recurring dreams, repetitive behaviors are usually telling us something,” I suggested. “What’s the message you see here?”

“Apparently, I keep choosing the same kind of man, the wrong kind,” she replied. 

Obviously, but what was behind this self-defeating broken record? The fact that Cindy repeatedly played out a doomed romantic melodrama with the same sort of partner suggested she was under the spell of an unconscious mental script. In this scenario, one seeks relationships that will elicit the same (or similar) themes, conflicts, interpersonal dances and, in many instances, calamities.  

Wanting to be Miserable?

“Do I want to be miserable?” she wondered.

“More than likely you want to be cured,” I suggested. “You seek the same stage and similar actors to play out an important but dysfunctional drama, hoping that sooner or later you will figure out how to change the plot and the ending.”

“But why is that important to me? Why can’t I just move on to a different kind of man?” she asked.

Good question.

In most instances, the need to keep enacting the same destructive interpersonal dance arises from early parent-child interactions. Cindy’s father was emotionally unavailable, leaving her feeling insecure, unloved and alienated. Without realizing it, she sought out men like her dad, hoping to attain the emotional intimacy with them that always eluded her with him.

Self-Sabotage

For some, the “ill” for which they seek a cure doesn’t stem from a parental relationship, but rather from deficient interpersonal patterns with friends, other family or earlier failed romances. For example, Alex, a thirty-something with a long history of unsuccessful courtships, realized he repeatedly pursued women who were carbon copies of his first teenage heartthrob, but wasn’t sure why. He described that adolescent love interest as aloof and difficult to woo. Despite all his efforts, she dumped him.

Consequently, he repeatedly sought out this type of woman, courted her intensely until winning her over, and then gradually grew detached and emotionally unavailable. His unconscious script was a quest for pay-back, a passive aggressive strategy. Still, after each courtship ended, he felt conflicted and upset.

“What’s going on with me?” he wondered, exasperated.

“Sounds like you’re trying to fix a self-sabotaging pattern,” I suggested. “My guess is you’ll keep applying your ‘sickness’ until you discover how to heal that old wound. But now that you know what’s driving your behavior, you can choose to change it.”

Clearly, the first step in addressing this déjà vu affliction is awareness. Just as there is a fog to war, so too is there one that surrounds love, particularly during the infatuation phase. That makes it harder to accurately perceive one’s partner and understand why one feels attracted to them.

It is exceedingly difficult during the swoon of a hot-blooded romance to put one’s emotions on ice for a time, take a mental step back and look more dispassionately at one’s would-be mate. Nonetheless, that is precisely what folks like Cindy and Alex need to do if they ever hope to get off the not-so-merry-go-round of broken relationships.

For some, it helps to write down the characteristics that have typified one’s prior romantic choices. One client of mine composed a detailed description of several former would-be mates who exhibited marked similarities to each other, and each time she began dating someone new, she read this over as a reminder. 

Because it is sadly true that those who ignore history, including their own interpersonal history, become doomed to repeat it.

For more, visit philipchard.com.