Image by Roman Prysiazhniuk - Getty Images
Communication stock art of a mouth saying "blah blah blah" to an ear
Erin and Michael exchanged cold stares, unspeaking, their displeasure glaringly obvious. This was nothing new. All the discussions about their relationship ended that way, in tense and awkward silence. This time, the difference was having an observer (yours truly) in the room.
“Well, you just saw it,” Erin said, turning to me. “Whenever we talk about anything of substance, we come to this brick wall where neither of us wants to go on talking. We just give up and sit in silence.”
Michael added, “I agree.”
That’s all he said. No elaboration. Which confirmed my hunch about the structure of their respective communication styles.
Brief or Detailed?
Neuro-linguists call it “big chunk, little chunk.” One person strongly prefers substance-packed, yet brief discussions (lots of information rolled into big chunks), while the other wants to wade into the weeds and touch on all the details (every little chunk that applies).
Rarely are folks like Erin and Michael aware of this interpersonal dance, at least not its full extent. Sure, someone might refer to a partner as “long-winded” (little chunk) or a “person of few words” (big chunk), but that doesn’t reflect a full understanding of the dynamic at play.
“When it comes to your communication, it’s like you, Michael, are in a wide-open field, and you, Erin, in a dense forest,” I told them.
Preferring more of a Cliff Notes version to absorbing information, Michael hesitated to ask his spouse questions because he knew doing so would elicit the equivalent of a chapter from War and Peace. In turn, Erin felt like her husband mentally checked out after a few sentences (which he did), leaving her talking to a closed mental door.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
Frustrated and Hurt
The net result, of course, was that he felt impatient and imposed upon (“Get to the point”), while she remained frustrated and hurt (“He doesn’t care what I think”). That’s a fairly toxic emotional atmosphere in which to cook supper together, let alone have a sensitive discussion.
In various forms, this scenario plays out in many collegial relationships as well. One employee is succinct and time sensitive while the other sucks the air out of the room and holds court for extended periods.
Years ago, I saw this interpersonal dynamic in full display at a staff meeting. One could parse the attendees on the basis of the big chunkers and little chunkers. And, after the discussion went on long enough, looks and sounds of exasperation emerged on both sides of the communication chasm.
The little chunkers, who were deeply engaged with specifics, felt rushed and unfinished, believing much more needed discussing, while the big chunkers were impatient to leapfrog over the fine points and move on to cover additional ground.
Awareness is Key
Regardless of the context, the first step in addressing this dysfunction is, as always, awareness. Some folks figure this dynamic out on their own, but many fail to see it while in the “fog of war.”
Once hip to what’s going on, progress requires both sides to alter their steps to close the style gap. To diminish the agitation between them, Michael needed to focus on being fully present and truly listening to her fine points, while for Erin the challenge was to edit her remarks for greater brevity so he had less to absorb.
Sounds simple but isn’t. Success requires pushing back against innate and often lifelong tendencies. This requires a commitment to self-reflection and change that, frankly, many troubled couples are unwilling to make.
Are there times when this big chunk, little chunk scenario works in favor of a couple rather than to their detriment? You bet. For example, a big chunker might like that their spouse or partner is a little chunker. They prefer to listen more than talk, and their partner is pleased to have the airtime.
However, most often it comes down to this. For big chunkers, less communication is more. For little chunkers, more communication is more. So, to maintain a healthy relationship, it’s important to understand what sort of chunking one’s partner prefers so that a mutually acceptable “more” can emerge.
Absent that shared understanding and compromise, chunky quickly becomes clunky.
