Bad Parents or Bad Fit?

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Photo by fizkes

Parent-Child rift

Stressed young woman sitting separately with offended mature old mother in living room. Unhappy grownup daughter and stubborn senior mommy ignoring each other after quarrel, different generations gap.

If you feel mentally wounded in some fashion, you've probably rummaged about in your memory searching for the smoking gun, that childhood trauma, tragedy or mistreatment that left you psychologically scarred.

It's common currency among psychotherapists and the general population to believe that a mentally struggling adult got that way due to earlier injuries to psyche and soul, usually at the hands of abusive or unkind parents or some other toxic person. So, most of us, shrinks and non-shrinks alike, tacitly agree that a troubled present is indicative of a troubled past.

Often, that is the case, but it can be more nuanced, as Kate’s situation illustrated.

Searching for Family Past

Over the course of years of therapy, self-help books and journaling, Kate relentlessly searched her familial past looking for the prime mover, the formative events that she assumed fomented her troubles. But again and again, she came up empty.

"If I could just remember," she lamented during one of our therapy sessions.

"Perhaps there is nothing to remember," I suggested.

"Oh no, there must be. How else can you explain my fear of abandonment and my insecure attachment style?" she insisted.

Indeed, Kate's insecurities were troublesome. She was caught in a mental tug-o-war between her longing for an intimate, loving relationship, and her terror of being suckered into opening her heart and then getting discarded.

"People aren't just born like this. I must have been traumatized somehow, probably by my parents, but I just can't remember," she continued.

"Kate, it's possible you and your parents were just a bad fit," I offered. 

"Bad fit?" she asked.

Innate Dispositions

    Each of us is born with an innate temperament or emotional disposition. If you don't believe that, you've never raised kids. Some children need more affection and nurturing than others; sometimes, a lot more. And if they happen, as Kate did, to have parents who are decent people but not openly loving and emotionally available, the mismatch may portend trouble ahead.

"Combine your heightened appetite for affection and connection with your parents’ stoic personalities and you have a poor match. That doesn’t mean they were bad people or that your needs were over the top. Maybe it was just a bad fit," I proposed.

"I always figured if I feel this insecure, something awful must have happened," she replied.

"Well, when you're a child, not having your emotional needs met can feel awful. But that doesn't mean that abuse or neglect took place," I concluded.

Granted, one can argue that Kate’s parents may have failed to understand and appropriately respond to her sensitive nature. However, that doesn’t mean their intentions were malevolent. Misguided or ill-informed, perhaps, but not purposely hurtful.

Round Person, Square Family

There are plenty of poor fits between kids and parents. The shy, quiet child born into an extroverted, boisterous family may feel alienated and falsely assume, because they don’t fit in, they are broken somehow. In turn, the confident, self-reliant child born to parents who are overly protective and smothering may become rebellious and oppositional. There are many variations on this mismatch theme.

It is popular these days to blame and vilify parents, particularly mothers. Unquestionably and sadly, there are parents who abuse, neglect and mentally maim their children. But there are also moms and dads who get a bad rap from their offspring simply because nature put a "round peg kid" into a "square hole family," or vice versa.

When things go awry in our psyches, it may not always be our parents' fault.

It may not be anybody's fault.

It may just be bad luck.

For more, visit philipchard.com.