Behind Anger’s Mask

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Photo by Deagreez - Getty Images

Angry man yelling - Getty Images

While difficult to quantify, there is considerable anecdotal evidence suggesting that, across the general population, anger is becoming more intense and disruptive. Our acrimonious, divisive and sometimes violent political environment is one example in this regard.

Out-of-control anger causes considerable havoc in our lives. It’s been definitively linked to intimate partner violence, road rage, sexual assault, hate crimes, child and elder abuse, school shootings and genocide, among other ugly consequences.

Of course, anger per se is not at the core of these horrors. That resides with how humans behave when in the grip of this emotion. Anger can be beneficial when properly directed and expressed, helping us defend and assert ourselves, both psychologically and physically. At times, it saves lives rather than endangering them.

Worst Impulses

However, regulating one’s animosity is often no easy lift. When the emotional brain gets hijacked in this manner, the so-called rational mind goes offline, giving one’s worst impulses free rein. Road rage is a frightening example in this regard. Temporary insanity in action.

And despite their popularity, so-called anger management programs frequently fall short. However, sometimes we can improve emotional self-regulation by understanding what hides behind our hostility.

“I’m angry much of the time,” Carl told me at our initial visit. “It’s always just below the surface, and little things, even trivial ones, can set me off.”

After getting to know a bit more about this fellow, I suspected there was a back story feeding his belligerence. Frequently, anger masks what’s really going on emotionally in someone’s life.

“What are you angry about?” I asked.

“All kinds of things,” he replied, but I pressed deeper.

“I realize there are many things that trigger you, but I’m not convinced those things are really the source of your anger,” I suggested.

Angry Disappointments

I asked Carl to consider how he felt about his life in general. That’s when he teared up and looked away. “I’m disappointed, very disappointed,” he struggled to speak, his voice cracking.

Discontent with one’s existence, and the sadness which that state of mind engenders, is a primary impetus for anger. People like Carl often feel regret, disillusionment and, sometimes, a bitter sense of being treated unfairly by others or fate.

This underlying melancholy fuels their animosity toward life in general. But “life in general” is not something one can lash out against directly. So, this hostility becomes like a heat-seeking missile in search of something or someone to target. That can be anything; an inconsiderate driver, screaming baby, noisy neighbor, political yard sign, slow traffic . . . the possibilities are many.

Victim Anxiety

For example, social psychologists point out that haters who target those they consider different, better off or more privileged often harbor an underlying despair, a sense of being victimized by “the system.” Ergo, they believe malevolent forces conspire to block them from what they deserve. In response, they scream, bluster and threaten, but behind that angry exterior there resides a sad hopelessness toward life; the disappointment Carl referenced.

People sometimes say, “Life doesn’t owe us anything.” But many folks feel differently. They harbor a sense of entitlement, a “Hey, what about me?” attitude. So, when circumstances fail to deliver that sought-after condition called “life satisfaction,” they feel aggrieved and, in some sense, bereaved. They feel they have lost at the game of life, which they see as rigged against them.

Granted, not all anger arises from this disconsolate mindset. However, it seems a leading cause of the type of hostility that is misdirected, over-the-top and senseless.

If folks like Carl contemplate their anger long enough and are open to what it reveals, they may discover it is actually their sorrow in disguise.