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In terms of life satisfaction, is it better to be married, partnered or single?
In the pop psychology media, there are countless articles claiming the key to happiness and, in some instances, even physical health and longevity, resides in being married or partnered. In contrast, we are often told that being single degrades personal well-being, leading to loneliness and depression. Not.
A large, longitudinal study indicates that, unless one’s romantic liaison is what psychologists call “high quality,” one is mentally better off being single. This proves true even when one’s marriage or partnership is of moderate quality, let alone lousy.
So, what is a “high quality” pairing? Mental health types struggle to nail this down, but one interesting metric is the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones. While not a hard and fast rule, many therapists set this ratio around at least five-to-one in favor of positivity. Some say higher still. Either way, this leaves room for the upsets and conflicts that accompany virtually all romantic liaisons but also indicates the need for these adverse interactions to be substantially outweighed by favorable ones.
Would You Do It Again?
Another measure involves asking oneself, “If I had the choice, would I marry or partner with this person all over again?” and, if yes, “Why would I do it again?” Those folks who wouldn’t hesitate to reup because of the emotional and interpersonal benefits are generally in a high-quality liaison. However, if their reason for another go-round involves money, social status or some other logistical consideration, that usually reflects lower quality.
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Back to the study, it found being single far more beneficial for one’s life satisfaction than remaining in a low to moderate quality relationship. This proved most true for women.
Erica was a case in point. Married for over 30 years with three adult children, she consulted with me over a nagging but non-specific disquiet plaguing her mind. When I inquired about her marital relationship, she described it as “OK” and didn’t feel it was the source of her discontent.
However, as we delved deeper, it became clear her emotional needs were largely unmet by the bond with her spouse. As she put it, “We get along alright, but it often feels more like we’re roommates than mates.”
Moderately Satisfying Liaison
Her description aligned with the characteristics of a moderately satisfying liaison. The relationship was respectful, operationally effective and devoid of abuse or infidelity, but still not emotionally fulfilling. Many marriages and long-term pairings fall into this “It’s OK” space.
Erica didn’t feel a pressing need to address her marriage. After all, it wasn’t in a death spiral or akin to a mental food fight. However, it clearly was blah. “Maybe that’s where all marriages end up after so many years,” she pondered.
“Sometimes it’s easier if a marriage is either really good or really bad. Being in the middle leaves room for lots of mixed feelings,” I suggested.
“It’s not that good, but it’s not bad enough to leave,” is how one client characterized her marriage.
Many pairings devolve from a high to a moderate level of emotional quality, and some simply fall off a psychological cliff and go bad. Either way, the research suggests the loss of high emotional quality exacts a toll on the pair. No, not as great a toll as a disrespectful or abusive relationship, but its own version of nagging discontent.
Greater Satisfaction
But what about high quality relationships compared with being single? Persons in highly satisfying and emotionally intimate pairings demonstrated greater life satisfaction than those who were single. However, the gap was less pronounced than the one between those in low to moderate quality relationships and those living the single life.
Bottom line? On the basis of satisfaction and contentment, only the best marriages and romantic partnerships outperformed being single.
Our culture is heavily biased toward people becoming coupled, but don’t let anyone tell you the single life is a woeful state, cause it just ain’t so.
As Mae West said: “I’m single because I was born that way.”
No other explanation is necessary.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
