Photo by CalypsoArt - Getty Images
Unbalanced Scale
As the smartly dressed entrepreneur shook my hand with bone-bending vigor, he pressed his face close to mine, his toothy smile all but consuming my field of vision.
“Very glad to meet you,” he beamed. “Very glad indeed.”
The feeling was not mutual. While I’m far from infallible in judging character and intentions in others, I have made a living of it, so I’m usually more accurate than not. This man, who I met at a networking event disguised as a social gathering, was interested in me because he wanted something, and he was intent on persuading me to provide it.
Obtaining my cooperation would require convincing me he was sincere, trustworthy and focused on addressing my needs rather than his own. Such was not the case, of course, but to render me pliable, it was necessary for him to appear as if it was. It didn’t go well for him.
Whitewashing Rhetoric
While the underlying dynamic in this interaction seemed transparent, it is not always so evident in either business or personal relationships. Some people who are primarily takers rather than givers are adept at keeping their motives obscured and effectively whitewash them with “I care about you” rhetoric.
Inevitably, some folks who engage you, either personally or professionally, will do so primarily because they want something from you irrespective of whether it serves your interests. Too often, even if it hurts you. Depending on the circumstances, this something can be money, sex, attention, affirmation, power, status or any number of other seemingly desirable things or attributes.
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There is a fundamental difference between wanting something from someone rather than wanting something for someone. Sex is a common example. An intimate partner who is only in it for themselves is simply a taker who wants something from you, not for you. In contrast, when people become aligned in what they want from and for each other, giving and taking are in balance.
Consider another example. Parents may want good grades and socially acceptable behavior from their children but do so because they also desire something for them, such as success in life. However, when a child defines success differently than their parents, the balance can tip too strongly in favor of “wanting from” rather than “wanting for.” If so, there’s usually trouble ahead.
Your Best Interest?
And, unfortunately, even those who “want for” you may become heavy-handed in promoting what they believe is in your best interest. Some people convince themselves they are acting for your betterment when, in fact, they are actually serving their own desires cloaked in good intentions. The road to hell and all that.
In blessed contrast are those souls who approach you without a hidden agenda of “gimme what I want.” They are interested in and care about you, but not for reasons of obtaining something you have or compelling you to comply with their wishes or expectations. If they have any agenda, it’s simply to be with you in a meaningful way.
It is within the interpersonal sanctuary of such relationships that one can experience solace, understanding, the opportunity to be one’s authentic self, and freedom from the takers. One feels like a river allowed to run it’s essential and natural course, rather than being dammed, channeled and siphoned off for the purposes of others.
In a world with far too many takers, we all need someone who does not want anything from us except that we truly be ourselves.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
