Cry, Wail, Pout

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Photo by Deagreez - Getty Images

woman pouting - Getty Images

As every parent knows, crying is a powerful form of persuasive communication, one that, as babies, we come by naturally. Tearful lamentation is an infant's first and most effective way to get their point across; feed me, change me, hold me, etc.

For many of us, the sound of a child's cry is so abrasive we'll go to great lengths to muzzle the source. As my sister-in-law once said in reference to her two little ones, "My philosophy is, put anything in their mouths that will shut them up."

Although a bit over the top, her general approach is widely shared. Over the millennia, parents have invented all sorts of behavioral gimmicks and devices for the sole purpose of shutting off those big bellowing cries emanating from those cute little mouths.

Muzzle the Sounds

Lullaby's, rocking chairs, pacifiers, night lights, security blankets, warm water bottles, music boxes, sweet treats, cuddling, cooing—all this and more for the purpose of restoring auditory peace. And if those don't work, there's little recourse except running the vacuum cleaner or putting on noise cancelling headphones.   

Being the astute observers of human behavior that they are, babies quickly discover the power of crying. As they grow older, their needs-based wailing often evolves into wants-based tantrums. It’s less about what they require and more about what they demand.

Imagine the sense of potency little people must feel when they can get big people to do their bidding by merely throwing a fit. Who needs a well-developed vocabulary to be an effective communicator? Crying power often eclipses speaking power.

Full-Blown Tantrums

While many adults refrain from full-blown tantrums when seeking or demanding something from others, be that attention, sympathy or acquiescence, this childhood tactic doesn’t necessarily disappear altogether. In some folks, it gradually morphs into approaches that, on the surface, appear more mature, even if they aren’t.

A little pouting here, some whining there, and hang-dog melancholy or a passive-aggressive silent treatment can go a long way toward making others more deferential to one’s agenda. While anger may be the great intimidator in adult relationships, the adult version of “tantrums” is the great enabler. It often solicits special treatment, extra slack, or more sympathetic consideration. 

Thousands of times I've heard people say, “Don't bother him, he's upset,” or “If you say that, you’ll make her cry.” Like parents who feel compelled to shut off their children's tears and hissy fits, many of us react warily to actual or potential petulance in our fellow adults.

Passive Aggressive Pout

A grown-up's restrained, passive-aggressive pout in a committee meeting or “woe is me” lament at the dinner table differs only stylistically from the whiney, tearful outbursts of a three-year-old. So, when adults cast a critical eye at children for turning on the tears or screams to get what they want, they'd best remember that adult behavior is not immune from the same childish shuck and jive, even if it comes in a slicker package.

Obviously, not all crying and lamentation is manipulative or solicitous. Tears of sorrow, endearment and joy reflect genuine emotional expression and release. But when it constitutes an adult version of a toddler’s tantrum, another agenda is in play.

Adults are supposed to express their wants and needs in a direct and transparent manner rather than pull peoples' chains with woeful whines, pouts, and long faces. Long ago, that's what I tried to impress upon my young daughter one evening while she wailed away.

She stopped crying long enough to hear me say, "Just tell Daddy what you want, honey." She paused to give me a long look, apparently considering my reasonable and generous proposal.

Then, she let it rip.

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