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Road Rage
A man expresses frustration while caught in traffic
Diagnosing psychological problems has always been a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey sort of procedure, as much guesswork as science. A large meta-analysis showed conclusively just how subjective, biased and error-prone this process can be.
To erase some of this uncertainty, mental health types use all sorts of diagnostic knick-knacks, including psychological tests, structured interviews, symptom checklists, etc. In the interests of furthering this pseudo-science, I've slapped together a new approach, one involving, of all things, driving behavior.
This unproven methodology relies on the assumption that many Americans project their personalities into how they operate a motor vehicle. The dubious premise here is that just as we are what we eat, so too, we are how we drive. Is this a reliable indicator? Absolutely not, but it can be revealing.
On-Road Behavior
Here are some pointers on how to diagnose by observing on-the-road behavior:
ADHD: This is the classic distracted driver also beset by hurry sickness. They hug your rear bumper, text while driving, veer dangerously in and out of traffic and consider the speed limit a quaint suggestion.
Differential Diagnoses: Suffering leg spasms. Way too much coffee or energy drinks. Delusional, believing that speeding actually gets you there sooner.
Anxiety Disorders: These folks hunch forward while white knuckling the steering wheel, their noses but a few inches from the windshield, faces taut, eyes straining to see what horrors lie ahead. They often appear to be clinging to the vehicle more than driving it.
Differential Diagnoses: Needs new glasses. Urgently requires a bathroom.
Marital Dysfunction: Husband is driving with headphones on while his wife, scowling in the passenger seat, is reading Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them.
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Differential Diagnoses: Husband still likes disco music. Married more than a year.
Paranoia: These folks think everyone on the highway is trying to mess with them, that they are the sole target in a sort of clandestine demolition derby. They typify the aggressive driver who believes the best defense is an out-of-control offense, making them prone to road rage and flipping others off.
Differential Diagnoses: There really is a demolition derby going on and you're the only one who doesn't know it. Suicidal, but want to make it look like an accident.
Obsessive-Compulsive: These people are easiest to spot in a parking lot. They always jockey their car back and forth several times to insure precise centering of the vehicle within the white lines. In addition, they grow agitated whenever a car parks on one of those lines or, God forbid, across two spaces. A colleague quipped that he deliberately does this to “find out who is OCD.”
Differential Diagnoses: None. These folks are definitely obsessive-compulsive.
Narcissistic Personality: They always have the rearview mirror twisted to monitor their hair and face instead of the following traffic. At times they apply makeup, brush their hair or otherwise primp at stop lights, some even while driving. Their distinguishing characteristic is that they invariably smile with self-admiration each time they behold their own countenance.
Differential Diagnoses: Going to a job interview or a first date.
Passive-Aggressive Personality: You pull out to pass someone going 20 miles under the posted limit and, just as you are about to overtake their car, they punch the sucker and streak ahead. Exasperated, you pull back in behind them and, naturally, they slow down again.
Differential Diagnoses: None. These people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.
I’m not claiming that diagnosis-by-driving is reliable. At best, it only applies while people are behind the wheel. You see, when we enter our vehicles, many of us undergo a mental shape-shift that renders us more machine than human. So, maybe it’s a form of temporary insanity.
Regardless, assessing someone’s mental state from their driving behavior is fraught with inherent bias. As George Carlin quipped, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
I have.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
