Do Something

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Image via mihtiander Getty Images/iStockphoto

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We were on a long sailboat race on Lake Michigan, the fleet strung out in an extended line, propelled by a moderate breeze on a sunny day. I was on the foredeck (bow) as we hummed along, gazing toward the horizon when I glimpsed a distant band of dark water topped with a white froth, approaching fast. When it reached the front of the fleet, perhaps a quarter mile ahead of us, the boats heeled over hard and several suffered knockdowns (on their sides). Despite the cloudless sky, mayhem was on the way. 

“Clear air squall!” the skipper bellowed as our crew sprang into action, but the speed of the approaching maelstrom left insufficient time to ready the boat. When the wind hit us, it seemed like an invisible hand pushing the hull hard over, sending water rushing into the cockpit as we hung on for dear life. This sudden 40-knot blow jammed the sheet (line) on our mainsail, leaving us unable to right our craft or maneuver. We felt at the mercy of the wind because we pretty much were. Which is when our captain screamed an exclamation that rings in many of our brains whenever beset by a storm, whether in the sky or in our psyches.

“Do something!”

When feeling helpless in the face of seemingly daunting odds, this admonition attempts to invoke the “fight” element of the stress response triad (fight, flee, freeze). In such circumstances, too many of us end up freezing, sinking into despondent passivity. Such was the case with Carla, a thirty-something mom and career professional who found herself under emotional siege. Her "storm" came in the form of a contentious divorce that, in turn, brought on major parenting challenges, leaving her with agitated depression, an unpleasant amalgam of anxiety and melancholia. As we explored her conundrum, my recollection of that stormy day on Lake Michigan provided an apt analogy.

“I’ve seen several therapists and done everything you people recommend,” she told me. “Nothing helps.”

“Perhaps by focusing too much on the symptoms of your depression and agitation, you’re aiming at the wrong target,” I suggested. “The real issue here is that you are feeling powerless, so that’s what needs to be addressed.”

Avoid Learned Helplessness

When beset by seemingly intractable problems or symptoms, some of us descend into what is called “learned helplessness.” When one’s efforts to address a challenge repeatedly fail, the sense that “It’s no use” can set in. Rather than struggling on only to experience little or no improvement, many decide to simply quit trying, which Carla was on the brink of doing.

“So what am I supposed to do?” she asked, understandably skeptical.

“Something that helps you regain a sense of your own power, your agency,” I replied.

For Carla, a former college hoops standout, that meant hitting the court again by joining a local league, as well as reviving her dormant passions for composing music and rock climbing. These activities didn’t directly address her symptoms—agitated depression—but they did tackle the sense of personal impotence that generated them. When feeling powerless in the grasp of some unremitting predicament, it’s usually helpful to do anything that rekindles a sense of personal efficacy, whether directly related to the immediate difficulty and the symptoms it creates or not.

When we move from passivity to power, from “What's the use?” to “Do something!” then many of life’s storms, no matter how sudden or jarring, can be weathered. To quote Nigerian poet Ben Okri, “The most authentic thing about us . . . is our capacity to be greater than our suffering.”