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Father and Daughter
A latino father and daughter enjoy a walk in the woods
When social psychologists studied the impact on children from parental acceptance or, inversely, rejection, they were surprised by one unexpected finding. The influence of fathers in this regard often outweighs that of mothers.
This runs contrary to our cultural bias that over-emphasizes the impact of mothers in child development. We see this reflected in the tendency to place more blame on mom when a child goes awry. “Mom blaming,” as it’s sometimes called, is popular and sometimes applicable, but this prevailing attitude too often let’s dads off the hook.
The research that uncovered this finding was not some small, poorly designed study. Rather, it involved a meta-analysis of 36 studies conducted in a variety of nations involving over 10,000 subjects. Translation? Their conclusion looks pretty solid.
Parental Rejection
To be clear, both parents wield strong influences on the psychological development of their children, so we are talking about a difference that, while significant, is not lopsided. To quote Ronald Rohner of the University of Connecticut, a lead author of the study:
“In our half-century of international research, we've not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood.”
So, make no mistake, rejection by either parent can wreak havoc on a child’s well-being. It can leave them with deep seated insecurity, damaged self-worth, a greater risk of addiction or suicide and a propensity to exhibit wariness and hostility toward others. Too often, they struggle to form emotionally intimate relationships. In cases of extreme rejection or abuse, complex post-traumatic stress is common.
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Rejection is particularly damaging for young people. They lack sufficient life experience and the perspective it affords to defend themselves psychologically.
Emotional Pain
What’s more, neuroscience shows the part of the brain that “lights up” when we feel rejected is the same one that registers physical pain. The difference is that, usually, physical pain can be addressed and often abates over time. In contrast, via memory, emotional pain can be relived repeatedly throughout one’s life. It is, then, a kind of chronic pain all its own.
So, what gives here? Why would a father’s rejection or emotional aloofness prove more deleterious than a mother’s? A prevailing theory relates to the unconscious influence of sexism. Turns out that children pay more attention to whichever parent they perceive possesses more interpersonal power or prestige.
In a patriarchal society like ours, fathers often feel more empowered and dominant in the family and display behaviors consistent with this self-view. As always, there are exceptions, but even then, the culture itself brainwashes children into believing men are more powerful. Consequently, many of them subconsciously place more emphasis on how dad acts toward them on an emotional basis.
On Father’s Day, the obvious message here is that dads need to be deeply and positively involved in their children’s development. Like or not, they have an oversized influence in this regard, and with that comes increased responsibility. As one counselor put it, “The difference between a ‘man’ and a ‘father’ is that the former shares his genes, but the latter gives his life.”
Any male with the right plumbing can father a child biologically. But only a male with the right values and emotional intelligence can father a child psychologically.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
