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Inner Self - Mental Health
The most vital freedom has nothing to do with civics, politics or law. It’s called “freedom of mind.” It emerges from the power to define oneself, to formulate one’s own identity, rather than having it imposed by others.
Many of us don’t believe we possess the agency to determine or own minds, that we are permanently sculpted by genes, developmental experiences, early life trauma, family dynamics and the rest of the cooks in the mental kitchen. However, there is compelling behavioral science research suggesting most of us can, to a considerable degree, create our own state of mind and corresponding sense of self.
Are there exceptions? Sure. Victims of severe and prolonged physical, sexual or emotional abuse as children face a formidable challenge in this regard. As do folks with serious psychiatric conditions, such as bipolar disorder and various psychoses. However, for many, the right kind of care and their own stick-to-it-ness can make it happen. Not easy, but possible.
So, what does this transformative process look like? What is required to make my mind a product of me rather than my developmental past?
Persistent Messages
Consider Heather, a 50-something successful legal professional and mom who didn’t like herself and wanted to know why. I pointed her toward the repetitive patterns of thinking that controlled her behavior and shaped how she defined herself, which was negatively.
Shrinks call them “scripts.” They are persistent cognitive messages that occupy one’s mind, directly influencing emotions and actions. Many are subconscious.
These unrecognized scripts, sort of like a computer program, operate in the background of awareness yet directly shape conscious experience. We all have them, and they often appear as sub-vocal speech (talking to ourselves). For Heather, these silent utterances issued orders (“You should eat less”), commented on happenings and people (“She’s such a bitch”), and judged her as well (“You always screw up”).
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Basically, she was very self-critical, judgmental of others, pessimistic and cynical. Still, there was a part of her that disliked these characteristics, leaving her ill at ease much of the time, and setting up a classic internal conflict. Which brought her to my door.
Self-Sabotaging Thoughts
After she regurgitated some of the dysfunctional and self-sabotaging thoughts rattling around in her psyche, I asked the question. “Who put those in your brain?”
The usual suspects emerged. Emotionally distant parents, a strict religious education, social awkwardness and the absence of close friends. She was told who to be, how to be and why she should like it. Trouble was the self they shoved down her mental throat bore little resemblance to her true nature.
“They’re still running your life,” I told her. “Those voices in your head are not you. It’s time your true voice grabbed the microphone.”
It’s not easy replacing old, imposed scripts with those reflecting our choices about who to be, but it can be worth the struggle. How do you replace a transplanted mindset? Little by little over time.
Tough to Tackle
Heather decided to tackle her self-critical script first. That can be a tough one, but she felt it would make the most positive difference. She identified the authors of various negative scripts in her psyche and then heard the thoughts in her head with their voices. She gradually learned to recognize these thoughts as “not mine.”
When the thoughts/voices of others showed up, she replaced them with her own, which slowly grew more forgiving, self-compassionate and interested in learning from mistakes rather than using them for self-flagellation. She added journaling because writing down our thoughts and scripts affords us a certain power over them.
Repetition and persistence were key. Old scripts die hard. But Heather began to take back her mind. As her inner critic slowly turned into a coach, she found herself less judgmental toward others as well. No surprise there. Most of all, she felt a newfound freedom to be herself, to be the master of her thoughts rather than their slave.
It comes down to this. Who do you want running your mind? Voices from your past that got you all wrong, or you own voice, the one that speaks for you in a way nobody else can. Psychoanalyst Viktor Frankl put it this way:
“Everything can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
