‘I Didn’t Mean It.’ So, Who Did?

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 “I didn’t mean it” is a classic, widely used defensive phrase. Everyone from politicians to preschoolers has employed this or a similar rationalization while backtracking on ill-advised comments or behavior. If there’s a person on the planet who has never entered this plea in an effort to solicit forgiveness for bad words or behaviors, they are a rare bird indeed.

As a psychotherapist, I hear this expression often, particularly in couples or family counseling. Under the sway of emotional hijacking, one of the participants will say something awful, unfair or hurtful toward another. Once the dust settles and they regain some measure of restraint, the damage control begins in earnest, and “I didn’t mean it” often signals it’s underway.

Widely accepted cultural values maintain that we need to accept responsibility for our statements and actions, rather than assigning culpability to the devil, a liquored-up brain, temporary insanity or the limbic system, that part of our neurology where emotions rule. However, what I find fascinating is the statement, “I didn’t mean it.” OK, so if I didn’t mean what I said or how I behaved, who did? Opinions, attitudes, beliefs and the behaviors they spawn, whether derogatory or not, come from somewhere inside us. So, for example, when some politician who just uttered a racial slur later claims, “I didn’t mean it,” who are they claiming was doing the talking?

Altered Behavior?

Now, it is widely understood that any number of conditions can alter one’s capacity for emotional and behavioral self-regulation. Psychoactive substances, sleep deprivation, extreme stress, emotional trauma . . . these and other central nervous system disrupters sometimes alter behavior in very unpleasant and even dangerous ways. Nevertheless, whatever the causative factor, what spills out, so to speak, was there all along. It wasn’t inserted in one’s brain like some alien influence. Even if latent, it was already present.

For example, alcohol, per se, does not induce its users to make anti-Semitic statements, or any specific statements for that matter. There aren’t particular brands of booze that instill opinions not already in one’s brain. Sure, alcohol can reduce inhibitions that otherwise keep bad statements under wraps, but it doesn’t put those utterances into people’s noggins in the first place. Can abusing the bottle make a person say stupid things and act in reprehensible ways? You bet. Can it make a person homophobic? No way. So, I must say to all of us when we misspeak or act reprehensibly, we did mean it. 

It has long been recognized that all of us are, in a certain sense, multiple personalities. Each of us carries within our psyches a number of distinct personas that, depending on one’s state of mind and circumstances, take turns steering one’s psychological ship. At various times, we place particular personas behind the wheel. If I go on a bender, I can reasonably predict which part of me will take charge while I’m under the influence and, based on prior experience, whether this persona will act in ways that are prudent or foolish.

Like the proverbial Dr. Jekyll, I know how to unleash Mr. Hyde and, what’s more, can anticipate what he is likely to do. But make no mistake about it. Mr. Hyde, however he might manifest through my behavior, is in my brain. He is not in a bottle of booze, a stressful situation or some triggering event.

So, if any of us wishes to reclaim our integrity after acting in deplorable ways, we first need to acknowledge that we are the source of our actions. Something like, “I’m terribly sorry I said that—it was wrong and I am to blame.” Anything less is just a weak-kneed version of “It’s not my fault.”

But actually, yes, it is.

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