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Jealous couple
Angry couple or marriage fighting for a mobile phone at home. Jealous caucasian man holding smart phone and showing message to his wife
Bill was what his wife, Susan, called “insanely jealous,” and he didn’t dispute that.
“It doesn’t matter what man I’m with or why, he figures we’re doing the nasty, or working up to it,” Susan explained.
“That’s true,” he admitted. “I try to reason with myself, but I can’t stop thinking about what might be going on behind my back.”
The extent of Bill’s jealousy even encompassed Susan’s cousins and family physician. He recognized his suspicions were “crazy” (his word) but felt powerless to stop them.
“I try reassuring him, and during the day I check in with him often because I know he’s imagining these things,” she explained. “But nothing helps.”
“Are you more worried about sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity?” I asked Bill.
Sexual vs. Emotional Betrayal
Not surprisingly, it was the sexual variety. While there are exceptions, research shows most men obsess more about sexual betrayal than the emotional variety, while women often assume the opposite stance. Now, there are large subsets of males and females in which these tendencies reverse, meaning gender is not always the deciding factor in determining what type of intimacy proves most threatening. So, what is?
It turns out the main determinant is one’s emotional attachment style. The two applicable styles are (1) secure/committed, which is more common in women, and (2) insecure/autonomous, which is more of a male propensity. Of course, there are always exceptions.
Those like Susan, who value emotional intimacy (secure/committed), are more upset by betrayal in that realm, rather than the purely physical. Inversely, those like Bill, who maintain more emotional distance in a romantic relationship (insecure/autonomous), usually find sexual infidelity far more onerous than a close connection based on feelings alone. Why?
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Well, folks with Bill’s attachment style tend to downplay the importance of emotional closeness in their bonds with others. Often, this reflects a deep-seated sense of vulnerability, often an unconscious fear of rejection or betrayal. Their wariness toward this kind of intimacy means they assign greater significance to the sexual aspects of a romantic relationship. So, when sexuality becomes the primary means of connecting, as was true with Bill, physical infidelity constitutes the greatest threat. It strikes at the heart of what kept him bonded with Susan.
Intense Feelings
It’s hard to overstate the power of jealousy to ignite intense feelings that, in turn, drive bad behavior. Verbal abuse, stalking and domestic violence are frequent and unwelcome consequences in this regard. Jealousy can become all-consuming, contaminating every aspect of a romantic liaison, leading to chronic conflict and alienation. Susan, for instance, felt under a microscope and found it disrespectful that Bill didn’t trust her, despite concerted efforts on her part to reassure him.
As for Bill, he ping-ponged between obsessing over Susan’s loyalty and scolding himself about his over-the-top jealous behavior. He was a wreck. And Susan’s reassurances were not going to save the day. The best way forward consisted of strengthening Bill’s capacity for emotional intimacy, which, in turn, provided an aura of mutual safety and trust that damped down his green-eyed-monster.
Toward this end, they engaged in couples counseling where they did some work around the “languages of love,” while, simultaneously, Bill tackled his emotional intimacy issues in individual counseling. Also, at my urging, he attended several workshops focused on growing emotional intelligence, a skill set that fosters self-awareness, empathy for others, and communication methods that support rapport and emotional safety.
Managing jealousy is no easy task, but worth the effort. Otherwise, it proves toxic to any heartfelt romantic bond. As physician and writer Havelock Ellis put it:
“Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.