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Recall when you felt and exercised your mettle, your personal power. Maybe you spoke your truth despite the risks, addressed a challenge by giving it your all, or made a courageous decision others felt was ill-advised. Then, recollect when the opposite was true, when you felt mentally small in the face of adversity, ineffectual in pursuing a goal, or intimidated by others. All of us have experienced both these states of mind. However, with few exceptions, most folks want to feel they are making a meaningful impact, something that matters. It’s built in to who we are, so when it ebbs, one’s well-being is in jeopardy.
From a very early age, children learn to manipulate their environment. They discover that certain actions will elicit desired reactions from physical objects or persons around them. Gradually, they learn to elicit what they want and need—food, touch, play, warmth, etc. Slowly but surely, they become someone who can make things happen. However, when deprived of the ability to influence their world and demonstrate personal efficacy, which sometimes stems from severe neglect, a youngster may sink into withdrawal and what psychologists call “learned helplessness.” In different ways, the same destructive dynamic can and often does occur with adults. In other words, personal power is not just some glib self-help nostrum or a rung on the ladder to career success. It’s a foundational human need.
When we no longer feel capable of moving the levers in our lives, at least to some consequential degree, we tend to bifurcate into one of two groups; those who withdraw into passive helplessness and those who desperately lash out in anger. Now, some folks stave off helpless feelings by never giving up. They’re called “realistic optimists,” and I’ve written about them previously. These persons persist despite repeated failures or disappointments because they focus more on effort, on doing their best, rather than the desired outcome. They don’t think, “I must succeed.” Instead, they believe, “I must do my best.” This “push on regardless” mindset proves an effective barrier to learned helplessness.
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Beyond Our Control
Of late, the pandemic has eroded a sense of personal power for many. The majority of us have felt under the thumb of forces beyond our control. When the outside world frustrates our need for effectiveness and influence, many of us retreat into managing as much of our private lives as possible. Ramping up self-care behaviors is a common example in this regard. However, when our sphere of influence keeps shrinking and a sense of helplessness invades all or most aspects of one’s life, there’s trouble ahead.
We psychotherapists see folks with learned helplessness frequently. Some of these souls exist in a sort of suspended animation. The spark is gone and a gloomy overcast inhabits their psyches. Many a person enduring depression is suffering a form of learned helplessness. Others in this conundrum trend the opposite way, funneling their impotent feelings into resentment, anger and even rage. Physical violence can be, and often is, a futile and destructive attempt to re-establish one’s sense of power through brute force.
We have long recognized that the antidote for learned helplessness consists of actions, often small ones to start, that restore a sense of personal power. When we have demonstrated to ourselves that we can make a difference in the world, even if just our small cubby of that world, then self-worth rises, confidence reawakens and a positive feedback loop ensues. To be effective, these actions must be meaningful and aligned with one’s personal values. For example, if one of my values is a love of other animals, I could volunteer at the Humane Society or Wildlife in Need. Or, if one highly values being a positive force in people’s lives, thoughtful and supportive outreach to others provides a way to be helpful rather than helpless. These kinds of tangible “make a difference” actions stave off learned helplessness and renew a sense of usefulness.
Deep down where we live, personal power is what we seek, and, provided we have a moral compass to wield it humanely, we should. Learned helplessness can be unlearned, and it must be if we hope to be a force for good, both in our own lives and those of others.
