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Father lecturing daughter
Caitlin sat slumped on the couch, eyes down, occasionally glancing at her smartphone, all this while her father read a litany of his adolescent daughter’s sins. As soon as he noticed her seemingly rude indifference, it was business as usual.
“Put that away!” he barked.
Without so much as a glance in his direction, Caitlin rolled her eyes, put her phone down but facing up and folded her arms. Addressing the tension in the room, her mother turned to hubby and said, “We know that doesn’t work, and that’s why we’re here, to find some way to get through to her.” This elicited a look of scorn from dad, who then decided to turn his rancor towards yours truly.
“OK, you’re the expert. How would you handle her disrespectful behavior?”
The expression on his face suggested he wasn’t genuinely interested in learning a more productive approach. Rather, he was hoping I’d look just as befuddled and inept as he’d been. I decided to demonstrate rather than lecture.
“Well, it’s up to Caitlin, but I am curious about her reaction to what’s happening between you two. You know, why she feels that way, and what’s it like feeling that way, and how she’d rather it be. That sort of thing,” I replied.
While speaking, I kept an eye on Caitlin. I didn’t expect to see much reaction, but as I concluded my response to her dad, she looked right at me. She appeared a tad curious herself. Probably not what she expected from an authority figure, having been taken to the emotional woodshed so many times.
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“Would you be willing to talk about that with me?” I asked her. “I will respect your choice either way.”
“Not with him here,” she replied, nodding toward her father.
“You see what I’m talking about?” he cut in, voice escalating along with his amygdala.
“Yes, I do. Clearly. However, I’m not sure you see what you’re talking about,” I responded, recognizing that being too nice would not earn this man’s respect.
Learning Something Valuable
I told Caitlin it was her call whether her dad remained for our discussion, while also pointing out that if he did stay and agreed to keep his lips zipped, he might learn something valuable. It could even improve their relationship. She mulled it over, but finally decided he could stay, a gesture far more mature than her dad’s outburst.
So, she and I had our discussion. I asked lots of open-ended questions, remained mentally present, restated what I heard her saying, and expressed my appreciation for her candor. The short version was that she didn’t feel emotionally safe with her father and found it futile to interact with him regarding anything of substance. As she saw it, he didn’t listen but merely lectured. What’s more, she felt he showed no genuine interest in knowing her as a human being. Instead, he pressured her to conform to his cookie cutter version of an obedient child, making it all but certain she would rebel.
A large study of adolescents showed that, like most of us, teens want to be heard, that they are far more willing to listen to a parent who listens to them. Are there instances when being a good listener still doesn’t cut it? You betcha. The term “devil child,” while not to be taken literally, seems an apt description. Nonetheless, the best odds are with being an open, safe and fair set of ears. Yet, many parents display little understanding of how to be an attentive, non-judgmental listener.
No surprise. In a world that can’t shut up, true listening is in short supply. Doing so requires being fully present, in charge of one’s emotions, committed to asking lots of open-ended questions and genuinely interested in understanding the other person’s reality. Want the mechanics? Do a search for “active listening.”
As for Caitlin, observing our conversation left an impression on her old man. Not an epiphany, mind you, but a willingness to look at how to improve their communication. Several joint sessions left them on far better footing.
When we feel heard, we also feel affirmed and respected. That’s a powerful impact to have on another person, particularly without having to say more than a few words.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
