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Stupidity - Man with Head in the Sand

A businessman in a brown suit buries his head in the sand

Unless you lead an incredibly appropriate and meticulous life, you've probably made a fool of yourself a time or two. If not, you may be suffering from a serious malady called perfectionism. You have my condolences.

Among us not-perfect types, the majority I’m sure, there are many who feel deeply ashamed about “acting like a dork,’ as my then teenage nephew put it. These folks keep a mental catalogue of supposedly dumb things they've done and said over the years, sort of a personal library of most embarrassing moments. Some will never forgive themselves for their occasional miscues, even those occurring at an early age.

Like a businessman client of mine who couldn't pardon himself for the time, as a middle schooler, he stood up to speak to his school assembly and loudly passed gas, or the real estate broker who still agonizes over the time she wet her pants in her first-grade classroom. No doubt, most of us can dredge up at least one equally embarrassing moment from our memory.

Public Horror

For some, the public horror of such happenings can be so agonizing that they put themselves in a behavioral straight jacket to avoid any recurrence. For example, many of us labor to make sure we don't “look stupid” in our physical appearance. We dress and primp to avoid the criticism and derision of public audiences at work and in social gatherings, or even just at the mall.

We tell ourselves we do so to “look our best,” but sometimes our motivation is to spare ourselves the humiliation of looking silly or inappropriate in the eyes of others. It's avoidance behavior that can become an overriding determinant in how we dress, talk, walk, eat . . . virtually all our public behaviors. Such folks obsessively monitor themselves to make certain they are being what the social peanut gallery considers appropriate.

As you might expect, this “keep your head down” tendency can dump a bucket of icy water on spontaneity, creativity and just plain having fun. For example, in some meetings I’ve attended, everyone was so busy acting appropriate that the collective ambience felt funereal, and the freedom of expression seemed consistent with a solemn high mass at St. Peter's Basilica. In such settings, perfectly natural human miscues like belching, spilling coffee on the table or sporting an unzipped fly or other fashion failure were treated like grounds for public flogging. 

Clods, Bumpkins?

This “don't look stupid!” standard largely applies to adults. When kids make weird, silly mistakes, they are “cute,” but in displaying similar behaviors, grown-ups get labeled “clods” and “bumpkins,” or worse.

Or course, there are those who flip the switch in this regard, deliberately behaving in ways intended to look bumbling, outrageous or offensive to others. Most often, this satisfies a strong need for attention, any kind, or to give the larger culture the finger.

Even in close personal relationships, some people don't feel free to loosen the chains of propriety and be themselves, behavioral pratfalls and all.

“I'm so ashamed,” one client told me. “I was at dinner with my girlfriend at a fancy restaurant and dumped a whole plate of food in my lap.”

“Sounds like a good laugh to me,” I replied.

“Get serious! I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot,” he replied. 

Well, you can bet this fellow will never die laughing. He'll be too busy making sure he doesn't look human. Which is my point.

If we're going to be what we are, flawed human beings, then an occasional embarrassing moment is part of the deal. Other people will give you enough grief about it, so don't encourage the curmudgeons by being hard on yourself as well.

When you do fall on your face, literally or figuratively, hold the self-loathing and humiliation and remember, whatever dorky thing you did, you didn't really look stupid. You looked human.

For more, visit philipchard.com.