Mixed Messages via Behavioral Incongruence

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Behavioral Incongruence illustration

Ever experienced an interaction with someone that left you confused about their emotional tone, as if you were receiving a mixed message? Well, if so, you can relate to a client I’ll call Denise. When she was assigned to a new manager at work, his interpersonal style left her flummoxed.

“He leaves me with an uneasy feeling,” she indicated. "I can't quite put my finger on it, but it feels off somehow."

Many of her colleagues shared her disquiet. What Denise and her co-workers were reacting to is “behavioral incongruence.” This occurs when two or more aspects of a person's demeanor send contradictory messages. In the case of Denise's manager, he displayed an amicable countenance (welcoming facial expression, soothing sound of voice, etc.), but the words coming out of his mouth were far less friendly (critical, bossy, judgmental, etc.). 

This incongruence occurs because we expect someone who is saying negative or positive things to look the part, meaning their mannerisms and voice should match the spoken message. When there is a misalignment between a person’s words and non-verbal behaviors, we often experience confusion. Which message should we believe, the literal one encapsulated in their words or the descriptive one manifesting through their behaviors?

Non Verbal Cues

Well, on an emotional level, our brains react more to non-verbal cues than linguistic semantics. When reading another person's emotional state, attitude and intentions, we rely more on visual information and auditory inputs than on words and their direct meanings. In fact, word content accounts for only about 10% of the emotional impression one makes on others. The remaining 90% involves facial expressions, gestures, voice (tone, tempo and volume of speech), posture, movements and subliminal cues (body scent, energy level, subtle eye shifts, etc.).

The conundrum for Denise, and those like her, is how to reconcile a dose of positive emotional input (her manager's non-verbals) with an unsettling shot of negativity (spoken words). This interactive dissonance feels kind of like a psychological sliver that, while small, proves irritating and unsettling. 

So, what's going on inside the psyche of someone who is sending mixed messages? First off, some of these individuals lack sufficient self-awareness to realize they are communicating in a contradictory fashion. Sometimes, this is a style issue, rather than an intentional effort to deceive or confuse. For instance, Denise's boss may not have intended to be duplicitous, but simply acquired this interactive tendency more or less by accident. Over the years, I’ve observed a number of clients in this category, some who smiled while crying and others who shook their heads “no” while saying “yes.”

However, there are persons who intentionally send mixed messages in an effort to keep people off-balance and guessing about who they are dealing with. Why? This is one way—and not a sincere or kind one — to exert more power over others. Sowing confusion or intimidation during interactions is a time-tested method for increasing interpersonal leverage. It frequently emerges in contentious business negotiations where one side wants to gain an advantage by discombobulating the other.

Regardless of such a person's intentions, the impact on the recipient is the same. When you find yourself around someone like this, regardless of their motives, a common question tends to emerge. Can I trust them? More specifically, which one of the two antithetical messages should I trust, if either? Should Denise believe her boss is a friendly guy or an authoritarian? Makes it tough to know how to conduct oneself around such a person.

As for those conniving souls who use duplicity on purpose to daze and confuse, I appreciate that they give us fair warning through their behavioral incongruence. As this Irish prayer puts it:

     “May those who love us, love us; 

     And for those who don’t love us,

     May God turn their hearts;

     And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,

     May he turn their ankles,

    So we will know them by their limping.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.