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In psychotherapy, perfectionism can be a tough nut to crack. Rational treatment approaches, such as cognitive reframing, emotional self-regulation, mindfulness and the like often fall flat. Why? Well, one of the common characteristics of this mindset is being risk averse, at least about important matters. What’s the risk in psychotherapy? Failure. Even in therapy, many perfectionists set the bar for success so impossibly high that, deep down, they know they will fail, at least in their own eyes.
Consequently, many perfectionists struggle with rational treatment methods. They expect themselves to perform and progress perfectly, without setbacks or mid-course adjustments. They soon discover that’s not how therapy works. When the inevitable two-steps-up, one-step-back scenario kicks in, they view this as a personal failure and often give up.
Consider Traci, a client bedeviled by a compulsive search for perfection. Whether a mate, a job, her bedroom, an email, her appearance—whatever her focus, it was subjected to her “perfect test.” Of course, nothing ever made the grade, leaving her agitated and self-critical. She dabbled in multiple relationships without finding a man up to her standards. She spent many hours trying to make her house impeccable. She remade her appearance frequently, but nothing ever met her stratospheric requirements.
“I know being a perfectionist works against me, but I can’t let it go. It’s a compulsion,” she lamented.
“Why don’t you try stones?” I suggested.
“Stones?”
“Yeah, perhaps you should start with something more attainable than a perfect romance, an idyllic home or the best ever you. Maybe you can actually find a perfect stone,” I continued.
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Weird Recommendation?
While understandably skeptical toward my weird recommendation, Traci was desperate for a change, and the idea that maybe, just maybe she might find a perfect stone out there somewhere intrigued her, so she gave it a go. Soon she was frequenting rocky beaches and stony streambeds. She avoided rock shops, feeling that was cheating.
Returning home with handfuls of stones, she would carefully wash and closely examine each one, sorting them by size, shape and appearance, and then whittling down her collection to those few that might qualify as perfect. Before long, Traci began bringing in her best picks for my perusal. Occasionally, she would highlight one and pronounce it “near perfect,” but the holy grail of stones remained elusive. I found some of them dazzling, myself. After several rounds of this, it happened. She recognized the parallel process linking her stone quest with her futile search for perfection throughout her life and person.
“I’m not just looking for stones, am I,” she surmised.
“Nope. You’re looking for a different you,” I advised.
The method at work here is called symbolic experiencing. The person engages in a real-life activity that, thematically, parallels their psychological struggle, rather than using a more obvious and literal approach. For Traci, the stone search constituted a metaphorical process helping her explore, at a deep level, her need for perfection. Finally, the day came when she lumbered into my office with a bag of stones and dumped them on the table. All were starkly different.
“They’re all perfect,” she announced, a newfound peace in her voice.
“Each one is what it is, and that’s enough. They don’t need anything else. And they know something I didn’t until now. They know how to be good enough,” she concluded.
Traci understood that perfection is a ticket for discontent and is truly unattainable. She realized that what was attainable was finding peace with and spiritual comfort in one’s imperfections. Symbolic experiencing is not some woo-woo mind trick. It engages our psyches and souls at a deeply intuitive level, fostering change through subconscious learning.
For Traci, it was a game changer, one that came to her through lived experience, not just cognitive gymnastics. She discovered what novelist Anna Quindlen understood when stating, “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
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