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Donkey braying
Ever been called stubborn? We usually regard those so labeled as rigid, unwilling to change, oppositional and, often, impervious to reason. They stand in stark contrast to people pleasers and accommodators and, consequently, are not conflict avoidant. Consider a few examples.
Andy, a financial planner, struggled to guide his retired father-in-law on investing, but to no avail. Dad’s “I’ll do it my way” recalcitrance cost him major returns on his investments. Exasperated, Andy complained to his wife that her father was “stubborn as a mule.”
Valedictorian of her class, Gina spurned the admonitions of family and teachers to pass on what they considered a ho-hum state college in favor of several prestigious universities that wooed her with generous scholarships. She brushed aside their rational arguments by stating, “I know what’s right for me.” Only her best friend agreed.
In planning her wedding, Sandy ignored her mother’s pleas to invite an uncle she deeply disliked. Admonitions to “keep the peace” and reminders that “he’s family” failed to budge her one iota. The result? A major eruption of familial melodrama and accusations that her stubbornness would “ruin everything.”
Ambiguity of Stubborness
What these folks had in common is a personality trait that frequently earns the label “pigheaded.” While often viewed in a uniformly negative light, stubbornness is fraught with ambiguity. Depending on the situation and who is doing the labeling, obstinance can be framed as either a positive or negative.
By definition, stubborn folks refuse to alter their attitudes, opinions or actions despite pressure or persuasion from others that doing so is in their best interest or supportive of some greater good. This “I won’t budge” posture exasperates and often angers those persons—family, colleagues, friends, caregivers—who are attempting to “talk some sen
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However, when framed positively, stubbornness earns labels like “steadfast” and “principled” and “tenacious.” A politician who refuses to compromise their convictions despite pressure from self-serving interest groups (rare, I know) may be regarded as “courageous,” while a 12-year-old who declines to rat on a classmate despite threats from teachers and parents will likely be called “oppositional.” It mostly depends on who is doing the defining and how they feel about the person’s stance.
One way to evaluate whether stubbornness warrants derision or admiration involves considering the individual’s intentions, not just their actions. For example, passive aggression can manifest as obstinance. In such instances, the individual’s intention is to frustrate and anger others, rather than to hold their ground on principle. In contrast, a person refusing potentially life-saving medical treatment to preserve the quality of their remaining time on the planet has a positive intention, regardless of how others feel about it.
Gray Zone Scenarios
There are also plenty of gray zone scenarios. A teenager’s refusal to be bossed around can be seen as an oppositional disorder or, alternatively, an expression of independence in service of being one’s own person. So, like many character traits, this one operates along a continuum, ranging from those who dig in their heels to stick it to others, to folks who feel strongly about something and refuse to be swayed by the social peanut gallery.
A good litmus test for determining whether being stubborn is a liability or an asset is to consider the individual’s overall approach to change, which is one of life’s constants. Those who refuse to even consider alternative ways of thinking and acting in most or virtually all areas of their lives are obstinate to a fault, and they often pay a price for their rigidity. In contrast, those who dig in their heels on specific issues, particularly those related to their personal values or beliefs, but who otherwise adapt to and change with life’s shifting sands, are probably not so much bull-headed as they are independent and confident.
So, how we label those who dig in their heels is a matter of perspective, and many of us harbor a bias in our own favor. As legendary college basketball coach John Wooden said, “Stubbornness we deprecate, firmness we condone. The former is our neighbor’s trait, the latter is our own.”
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