In couples counseling, therapists pay close attention to conflict styles.
Why? Research strongly suggests certain approaches to conflict bode well for the long-term viability of a marriage or partnering, while certain others indicate there’s trouble and, perhaps, divorce ahead.
Sandy and Evan were a case in point. Married for over a decade and with two young kids in tow, their prior efforts at couples counseling yielded little progress, leaving them mired in what seemed an intractable impasse.
“We didn’t argue at all the first couple years of our marriage,” Evan explained to me. “Then, the disputes started coming fast and furious.”
“It’s rare to go more than a few days without getting into it,” Sandy agreed. “I think it’s because our lives have become so complicated.”
The complications in question stemmed from what Zorba the Greek called “the full catastrophe,” meaning a mortgage, children, energy-sucking jobs and the rest. The American Dream, in all its complexity, comes with many stressors, making marital spats all but inevitable. When these clashes emerge, couples discover whether their respective conflict styles support or undermine their bond.
A bit of digging indicated Sandy employed a constructive conflict style, one based on calm, respectful engagement with a “we can work it out” mindset. Evan, however, brought an avoidant style characterized by defensiveness, evasion and withdrawal. Research shows this particular combination of styles proves particularly vexing for both parties and poses major risks to the long-term viability of the relationship.
“When I try to talk with Evan about an issue between us, he gets upset and then cuts it off. That leaves me feeling like he doesn’t care enough to invest in working things out, that our relationship isn’t important to him,” Sandy explained.
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“She does better with conflict than I do. It upsets me. I withdraw so I can cool down, not because I don’t care,” he replied.
Evan’s withdrawal, however, usually proved more than a timeout. Being conflict avoidant, he rarely sought to re-engage after his inner dust settled. And, if Sandy pressured him to discuss it again, the cycle repeated itself, leaving both of them frustrated. Over time, plenty of emotional baggage from unresolved conflicts piled up, meaning each new disagreement evoked feelings not only from the present situation, but also from the past. “Every argument feels like a huge deal,” Evan complained.
“That’s because it is,” I replied. “The emotional backlog from past conflicts that never found resolution comes home to roost with each new disagreement, creating a tempest in a teapot.”
The situation escalated due to Evan’s heightened sensitivity to conflict, which amplified his anxiety, further fueling the need to withdraw. In turn, Sandy’s quiet, in-control approach left him feeling like a child interacting with a parent rather than a husband communicating with his wife. At one point, she even defined his withdrawal as “childish.”
To address their conundrum, we took several tacks. First, Evan did some individual work to lower his anxious reactivity to conflict, primarily using a method called “Brainspotting” (Google it). Next, they experimented with role reversal. During disagreements, Evan played the calm, cool part while Sandy acted avoidant and withdrew. While awkward, this helped them experience the dilemma from each other’s perspective, fostering some empathy.
As Evan’s conflict avoidance ebbed, he embraced a more constructive approach, not unlike Sandy’s but with his own style. That combination—both parties using constructive conflict resolution—is highly correlated with longstanding viability in romantic pairings.
If you and your spouse or partner feel closer emotionally following a disagreement (not necessarily immediately, but soon after), then the odds are you share a constructive conflict style. However, if you display one of these conflict pairings—(1) one person constructive, the other avoidant, (2) both avoidant or (3) both nasty and destructive—you have work to do.
In marriage and other romantic pairings, it’s not a question of whether to disagree—you will—but, rather, how best to cross swords.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
