Revenge

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Revenge

Eric was struggling to restrain his seething anger toward his estranged wife. “She cheated on me, plain and simple. Lied to my face. And I can't get it out of my head. It's with me night and day,” he explained.

It's a rare human who hasn't felt wronged by someone and then struggled to cope with the resulting hurt, acrimony and even rage.

“What are your intentions?” I asked.

“All I can think about is pay back. I want to make her suffer for the pain she caused me,” he replied. 

The lure of vengeance is as old as our species. And all historical evidence to the contrary, many of us harbor the belief that retribution will somehow ease our emotional pain.

Those most likely to seek revenge are folks who believe life should be fair but also tilted in their favor, all evidence to the contrary. When wronged, they believe they deserve justice. But, as Clint Eastwood’s character in The Unforgiven reminded us, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”

Emotional Pound of Flesh

It's not just the mean-spirited, narcissistic and sociopathic types, like Trump and Musk, who want to exact a pound of emotional flesh from those who've done them wrong, whether real or imagined. It can also include folks who are otherwise well meaning and even kind.

The rationalization that makes revenge seem acceptable is the errant notion that it heals one’s emotional wounds. The mistaken premise is that we can purge our bitterness and wrath by inflicting it on the offending party. However, research shows convincingly that doing so often has the opposite effect, leaving the avenging person mired in dour, painful feelings. For most, whatever smug satisfaction one gains from striking back quickly fades.

Add to this the notion that, somehow, one can rebalance the scales of cosmic justice by taking retribution on the offender, and you end up with a seemingly reasonable but entirely mistaken rationale for being an avenging angel. Still, many of us buy it, as evidenced by the huge popularity of cinema depicting stalwart figures taking justice into their own hands, not to mention the popularity of revenge posts on social media. 

Vicious Cycle

Sociological research shows that inflicting vengeance does not restore moral order, not in one's own life or the larger community. More often, it merely precipitates retaliation, creating a vicious cycle of “an eye for an eye.” 

Nor does it provide much in the way of emotional relief, with one exception. That is when the avenging person's retribution causes the offender to acknowledge that their actions were unjust and then apologize. However, this is an unusual sequence of events in the world of tit-for-tat.

The desire for revenge is more than a personal problem. It is also a societal one. In about twenty percent of murders and two-thirds of school shootings, seeking vengeance was a primary driver. 

Interestingly, when we don't have the ability to retaliate against our perceived tormentor (they’re dead, disappeared or otherwise unavailable), we recover from the emotional pain more rapidly and end up happier than most who exact retribution. Having no choice but to let go and move on can prove beneficial. No more agonizing about,

“Should I or shouldn’t I strike back.”

Satisfying Life

The capacity to forgive or at least put down one’s bitterness is a key ingredient in creating a more satisfying life. Grateful people are happy people, but an attitude of gratitude is incompatible with a vengeful heart. Most often then, the person suffering the greatest damage from vengeance is the avenger, not their target.

Are there exceptions? Sure, often depending on the nature of the offense and the revenge taken. For example, winning a legal battle against someone who defamed and slandered you may feel satisfying. But while it may salve one’s wound, it usually won’t heal it.

More often, revenge becomes a self-inflicted psychological and spiritual wound. We know bitterness is highly correlated with depression, anxiety and even inflammation in the body. We don’t overcome bitterness by inflicting harm. That requires letting it go. Not easy, but often the best path.

The other path is reflected in a Chinese proverb: “Before seeking revenge, first dig two graves.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.