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Woman whispering to another (couple) - Getty Images
“We don't keep secrets from each other,” the husband insisted at our initial marriage counseling session.
I’d asked both he and his spouse if there was anything they felt uncomfortable telling each other that might be adversely affecting their relationship. When couples complain about a lack of emotional intimacy, which was this pair’s stated concern, it sometimes stems from something important between them that remains unspoken.
Now, all of us harbor a private self, a mental place where we keep certain things sequestered for our eyes only, so to speak. While there probably are people who conform to the proverbial “open book,” I suspect they too harbor confidential thoughts or feelings that remain under wraps.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with concealing things from a loved one provided doing so does not undermine the relationship or harm the other person in some other manner. “Lies of omission” (not speaking a truth, as opposed to lying) can be destructive, but there are also instances when they can be protective.
Left Unspoken
“Just name one thing you think we're hiding,” the husband challenged me.
So, I played the best odds.
“Your sexual fantasies?” I asked.
It was like all the air was suddenly sucked out of the room, and they were simultaneously speechless. I let the silence hover for a few moments.
“It's true. We've never really talked about that,” the wife blushed.
“Lucky guess,” I replied. “Many couples don’t.”
“Well, what do you mean by sexual fantasies?” hubby cut in, recovering his adversarial composure.
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“I mean your innermost, private sexual imaginings. The stuff you daydream about that could go into an erotic novel or maybe even an X-rated film. The stuff that really lights your furnace,” I explained.
Mutual Self-Disclosure?
Given how open our culture claims to be about matters of the flesh, it's ironic how many of us recoil from sharing our carnal fantasies with our sexual partners. We tell jokes about sex, promote sex education, encourage safe sex, and broadcast sex therapists’ prescriptions for curing carnal malaise, but mutual self-disclosure about our erotic fantasies is less common.
If there is such a thing as being “sexually liberated,” it has little to do with promiscuity (which seems the stereotype) and lots to do with being unashamed about one's erotic longings and imaginings. Lovers who are comfortable revealing and expressing their sexual fantasies enjoy a special sort of intimacy and mutual self-acceptance.
But many folks are not comfy opening the book on their lascivious daydreams. They errantly believe that fantasy is fact, that imagining a carnal activity is somehow equivalent to doing it. But sharing one’s fantasies does not require acting on them.
The emotional threat here is obvious. One's sexual imaginings are a lot more revealing than a muscle shirt or mini skirt, which may explain why many are quick to expose their carnal bodies but reticent to display their carnal minds. Fantasies offer someone a glimpse of who we are, not just how we look. And exposing who one is in this regard carries the inherent risk of ridicule or rejection—shaming.
Shame or Embarrassment
Even many spouses and lovers will blanch with shame or embarrassment at the prospect of exposing their deepest erotic cravings, as was the case with my two aforementioned clients.
“So, what's the big deal about our sexual fantasies?” the husband continued pensively.
“Such fantasies, in and of themselves, are not necessarily a big deal. However, keeping them secret from your spouse or partner may reflect something troublesome, like a lack of trust or intimacy in the relationship, or a deep-seated shame and fear of rejection,” I replied.
For some, the threat level in sharing sexual fantasies can be extraordinarily high. Many of us can spill our guts about our private hopes and dreams, our emotional hang-ups and neuroses, and the specifics of a sordid past, but giving another person access to the inner sanctum of our secret erotic daydreams can seem emotionally dangerous.
“Why does it matter?” hubby asked rhetorically as we wrapped up.
“Because honesty and love are joined at the hip,” I replied. “The road to feeling closer runs through mutual self-disclosure and vulnerability.”
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