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Looking over edge of cliff
Most years, May is the peak month for suicides. Spring seems an odd season in this regard, but perhaps the contrast between nature’s rebirth and the absence of such in the souls of some downcast individuals proves too much to bear. So, it seems important to clarify just what it means when someone becomes suicidal. There are significant differences, and a client I’ll call Mike illustrates an important one.
At our first visit, this 50ish gentleman told me he was suicidal, but he also insisted he wasn’t going to kill himself. Buffeted by years of stress brought on by a chronic health problem, a bitter divorce and several career setbacks, he gradually slipped into a state of hopelessness and helplessness, a mindset that underpins many suicides. Hope is emotional and spiritual sustenance, so, when deprived of it, people often feel powerless to turn their lives around.
When we hear the term “suicidal,” the tendency is to lump all those so labeled into one bucket. Understandably, we presume they are going to kill themselves, or at least make the attempt. However, being suicidal comes in several forms, some more potentially lethal than others, and Mike’s version was at the lower end of the continuum of risk. He inhabited a mindset psychotherapists call “suicidal without intent.”
“I’m not going to end my life,” he told me. “But I do feel like being alive isn’t worth it anymore, and I don’t see the point.”
“So what keeps you with us?” I asked.
“I couldn’t do that to my kids and family. It’s just not in my DNA,” he replied.
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Slow Motion Suicide
Over the years, I’ve encountered a number of clients who occupy this conundrum. They are neither actively nor passively suicidal, but something else altogether. Obviously, being actively suicidal means one harbors a compelling self-destructive impulse. Usually, such a person possesses a specific plan and the means and will to carry it out. Such people are at high and often imminent risk of killing themselves.
In contrast, passively suicidal people make lifestyle choices, and not always conscious ones, which constitute what some call “slow motion suicide.” These may include abusing dangerous drugs, such as alcohol or narcotics, engaging in high-risk behaviors or initiating violent confrontations. Their suicidality, if you will, does not focus on carrying out a specific self-destructive act. Rather, they behave in ways that, if left unchanged over time, will likely result in their earthly demise.
In contrast, those who are suicidal without intent, like Mike, also have the desire to end it all, but they possess sufficient impulse control and some kind of values-based “stopper” which, together, restrain them from acting on these feelings. For Mike, this stopper is his belief that his suicide would cause too much emotional suffering for those he loves.
Now, when it comes to suicide, intent can be a moving target. It’s important to determine if someone like Mike truly possesses the capacity to hold himself back from the behavioral precipice that his emotions and mental state bring him to. It’s also important to know if he engages in certain actions that might undermine this “stopper,” such as binge drinking.
“How do you know you won’t become actively suicidal?” I asked him.
“Anything’s possible, but I’ve been this way a long time. I’ve walked up to that cliff edge more than once, but something inside always stops me,” he replied.
Mike’s inner stopper is a powerful one. He cares deeply about those he loves and the impacts his actions might have on them. It’s unlikely this source of restraint will simply evaporate overnight. After all, it represents a lifelong aspect of his character and a core feature of his value system. Nonetheless, low risk is still some risk.
“Even though I don’t want to live anymore, offing myself is not an option,” Mike concluded.
Most would say that is a good thing, but Mike and many others who are suicidal without intent would not be among them.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
