The Strangers We Know

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Photo by jacoblund - Getty Images

Two Friends Laughing

Two women laughing together

We already know them, and they already know us, or so it seems.

Perhaps you’re in a crowd. A herd of faces streams by, anonymous and unfamiliar. Suddenly, your eyes meet those of a stranger and, at some level that defies common sense, you “recognize” that person and they seem to reciprocate.

Instantaneous recognition occurs when you feel an emotional or spiritual connection with someone you have never met. These seemingly chance affiliations have long intrigued us, particularly when they carry romantic undertones.

Immediate and powerful identification between individuals who know not a hoot about each other—not name, station in life, history nor personality—is a surprisingly common event many of us have experienced. Nevertheless, how these happenings arise and what they truly mean remain a mystery.

Pesky Memory

Neuropsychologists sometimes relegate instantaneous recognition to the same conceptual scrap heap they assign to déjà vu, the experience of having already lived an event while it is happening. They attribute this “I’ve been here before” experience to a hiccup in the brain, where the memory center fires inadvertently.

From this empirical perspective, when one suddenly “recognizes” a stranger, that pesky memory center in the brain simply misfires. However, this spontaneous knowing of another person is not about remembering so much as recognizing.

One psychological theory proposes that a stranger may evoke familiarity simply because they resemble a person one has forgotten. A certain look in the eyes, a way of moving, a facial expression; any of these singular elements could unconsciously remind one of someone from the past.

“The memory is of someone else, but you mistake it for the person who resembles that someone else,” is how on neuroscientist put it.

Instant Recognition

However, many who experience instantaneous recognition report otherwise. “We knew each other the moment we met,” they often say, and the outcome of that initial knowing can vary from nothing more than a passing nod and smile to a newfound friendship, partnering or even marriage.

To know someone in some deeper part of one’s being despite the absence of any prior contact with that individual may convince us there is more here than meets the mind. Because we think in historical terms, many of us leap to the conclusion that instantaneous recognition results from meeting someone known in a prior lifetime, a la reincarnation.

However, some theorize that one knows a stranger because they have a special role to play in one’s spiritual development and, at some unconscious level, both parties understand this. “I know you” may actually mean “I need to know you.”

The Teacher Will Appear

The Buddhist tradition holds that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. In other words, one’s inner need to learn something about life or oneself somehow subconsciously may beckon that person or event that will promote this growth.

Within this spiritual framework, when two strangers meet and “know” each other, they may be recognizing they harbor a shared path, an interwoven destiny. Alternatively, the extent of their sharing may be just those few fleeting moments of contact, followed by a period of surprise and contemplation. The memory of the experience lingers, leaving one to wonder.

The enigma of instantaneous recognition leaves open-minded people in the uncomfortable mental space of ambivalence, of entertaining a variety of possibilities, from the neurological to the spiritual. Is this phenomenon simply a quirky twist of coincidence, or is there intention, purpose and meaning behind such an event?

When sitting atop this vexatious cognitive fence, mentally wobbling one way and then the other, I find some solace in the words of Frank Herbert, author of Dune. “The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.