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Looking for happiness via marriage or another romantic pairing?
Well, results from a long-term study indicate marriage does not make people happy. However, it doesn’t make them miserable either. On any given day, one’s primary relationship may contribute to feelings of greater or diminished well-being, but over the long term, the impact proves far less.
Those of you who are floating in nuptial bliss or choking in marital discord might not agree with these findings, but read on. This study, which followed over 10,000 married couples for 15 years, reported that those who are happy before marriage usually end up happy during, and vice versa.
Even if marriage or partnering become a source of disappointment or emotional pain, most people who are at peace with themselves before tying the knot find a way, subsequently, to remain so afterwards. Obvious exceptions include folks in abusive relationships. Absent that, however, happy before one’s wedding day usually means happy after, and unhappy before means unhappy after.
The basic conclusion of this study also applies to other panaceas we pursue in hopes of realizing personal fulfillment. For example, studies of those blessed with monetary wealth repeatedly arrive at similar conclusions to the aforementioned marital research. Unless lifted out of poverty by more money, there is no correlation—zippo—between having big bucks and feeling good about one’s existence. How one spends money has some impact here (purchasing positive experiences provides more fulfillment than buying stuff), but, once basic needs are met, more moola does not equal more happiness.
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Remember that the next time you buy a lottery ticket or spend the night chasing your losses at the casino. Even if you hit “the big one,” the resulting emotional high, like that following a wedding, will be short-lived.
The underlying premise being challenged here—that happiness flows from one’s external circumstances—drives a great deal of individual behavior in this society. Amassing wealth, buying a home and car, cosmetic surgery, climbing the corporate ladder, finding one’s soul mate and scores of other dream-chasing activities largely stem from a “If only I had such-and-so” mentality.
Increasingly, psychological research is undermining the assumption that the American Dream is worth chasing. But, few of us seem to be dropping out of the race. In fact, the vast majority subscribe to what psychologists call “an external locus of control.” Meaning most of us depend on our external circumstances to create inner well-being, rather than relying on what resides in our psyches and souls.
Why, despite strong evidence to the contrary, do we continue to pursue the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or the perfect partner on the altar? In part because, from an early age, our socioeconomic system burns images into our brains directly associating romance, money, status, power and prized possessions with brightly beaming smiles and glowing serenity.
What they don’t tell us is that a good marriage, a padded bank account or a lovely home are simply icing on the cake... not the cake itself.
So, what is the cake? The core of life satisfaction appears to reside within one’s overall mindset and degree of spiritual grounding. Those with an indwelling sense that their existence has meaning and purpose (positive mindset), and those who feel connected to something greater than self-serving material or social pursuits (spirituality), are most likely to report greater well-being.
Such persons are far less susceptible to the ebbs and flows of life’s shifting sands. And, whether one is married, single or divorced, wealthy or hard up, beautiful or plain, and all the rest, one’s attitude and degree of spiritual development, not one’s circumstances, largely determine the presence or absence of life satisfaction. Sure, one’s life situation matters, but not nearly as much as we are led to believe.
Looking for greater well-being? Look within.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
