Photo by Cemile Bingol - Getty Images
Communication Divide
Man and woman standing at the edge of the cliff and discussing with megaphone. (Used clipping mask)
Ever come away from a conversation that went sour or turned ugly and you didn’t have a clue why? You may have wondered, “What just happened?” Well, human communication is a complex hummer, made more so by something called “perceptual drivers.”
These are mental filters that shape our intentions when interacting with others. During a conversation, these drivers work in one’s mind, often subconsciously, and emerge as hidden agendas. So, perceptual drivers reflect what one wants from an interaction, and they tend to coalesce into six major categories:
- Stay safe: This prioritizes avoiding conflict, rejection or other emotional dangers. It often leads to passivity, accommodation, appeasement or diminished engagement during an interaction.
- Dominate: Obviously, this involves maneuvering to possess the highest rung on the dominance hierarchy. This frequently appears as interrupting, dismissing others, taking all the air out of the room, or otherwise asserting one’s control.
- Be right: This is driven by over-confidence, self-righteousness, condescension or, in the worst cases, narcissism. The need to be right often leads to holding court and insisting on having the last word.
- Look good: This driver compels us to seek approval and admiration. People use a variety of behaviors to put their best foot forward during a conversation, everything from an attractive outward appearance to being witty, gracious, elegant or erudite.
- Belong: The desire to affiliate is a powerful motivation in many interactions. Often, this is typified by harmonizing with the views, mannerisms and normative behaviors of the other person(s). Some call it the chameleon effect.
- Connect: The desire to connect and engage with others on a deeper level fuels this driver. These people often display empathy, good listening skills, a sense of presence and sound emotional intelligence. Their objective is meaningful engagement.
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Some of us lean heavily on one of these drivers, sometimes exclusively, while others embrace a mixed bag. What’s more, one’s drivers can shift depending on the context, what is happening and who is present. The problem? When people have very different or similar but competing agendas, there’s lots of fuel for dysfunctional communication.
On Auto Pilot?
While some folks have contemplated their needs and intentions in certain interactions, many of us, if not most, function on auto pilot. The nature and influence of our perceptual drivers often constitute blind spots in our self-awareness.
Now, emotionally intimate communication, such as the kind between dear friends, appears less influenced by these drivers. One feels emotionally safe, there is no need to dominate (you are equals), differences of opinion are respected, there is a strong sense of belonging, as well as freedom to be oneself rather than project a manicured self-image.
Relationships work best when each person is aware of their perceptual drivers and, when necessary, consciously compensates for them during interactions, which is an important attribute of what we call “emotional intelligence.” If I am cognizant of my need to be right, for instance, I can use that insight to be more thoughtful, fair-minded and measured in my responses.
Unfortunately, when it comes to the underlying drivers that sculpt communication, many of us are oblivious. We just react, often without knowing why.
One way to overcome this is to ask a trusted confidant to observe one’s interpersonal behavior with an eye on these drivers, and then provide kind but candid feedback. Another is simply to contemplate your intentions going into a conversation, perhaps using the list of perceptual drivers as a reference.
Ask yourself: “What do I want from this exchange? To feel safe, in charge, right, accepted, to look good, or what?”
This kind of insight doesn’t come easily, and many simply never get it, but if you’re blind to your drivers, don’t expect to be a satisfied communicator.
Just anticipate a lot of interpersonal train wrecks followed by the inevitable, “What happened?”
