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Bored Couple
Here’s some unsettling news for married folks and those in committed romantic relationships. If you remain monogamous, chances are good your carnal desire for one another is going to wane. No breaking news there, but the surprising thing is how quickly this happens. Research into how one’s libido evolves within a monogamous relationship highlights a challenge for those who wish to remain faithful while also enjoying a fulfilling sex life.
The study found that, particularly in women, erotic desire for one’s partner dwindles substantially somewhere between one to four years after beginning a sexual liaison, whether married or not. It will not surprise many of you to know that male sexual desire ebbs more slowly and, sometimes, not much at all. At first blush, this would seem to suggest that females are at greater risk for infidelity, but that does not appear to be the case. More often than men, they resign themselves to ho-hum in the sack, and, from their perspective, hopefully not too much of it.
Is there an antidote for the waning of erotic desire?
First off, for some couples this is not an issue. They don’t pine for anything more than occasional couplings and feel satisfied with what some would regard as vanilla sex. What’s more, some others have lost interest and, overall, feel at peace with a platonic connection. Sometimes, this attitude stems from sexual dysfunction, poor health, the loss of emotional intimacy or even the use of certain medications, including some antidepressants.
Craving Novelty
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Most often, however, the culprit behind diminished libido is neural habituation. It’s well established that, in many respects, the human brain craves novelty. It orients toward new experiences and, in the sexual realm, finds them arousing. Subject your neurons to enough “been there, done that” and they become bored. And, as it happens, carnal boredom and libido are not good bedfellows.
There is considerable evidence that couples can re-ignite the fire between them by introducing novelty into their lovemaking. However, to do so, they usually must step outside their prior comfort zones with respect to sexual activities. In fact, studies show that people who get a tad kinky in bed (however they mutually define that) have healthier psychological profiles than those who are more milk and cookies in their style. Nonetheless, regardless of how you feel about walking on the wilder side, people who interject renewed playfulness into their amorous romps are happier with each other and their sex lives.
Now, there are lots of ways to infuse one’s lovemaking with novel stimuli, but many feel restrained by insecurities, modesty or various inhibitions. Sometimes, this timidity stems from a history of sexual abuse or assault, which happens to one out of four females. Others simply possess a shy disposition or come from a stridently moralistic upbringing. But, at least as often, it reflects an underlying mistrust about being vulnerable, a reticence to share desires or fantasies with one’s partner, fearing criticism or rejection. In other words, a lack of true intimacy.
When emotional safety is absent or precarious in a relationship, it can feel less risky to disclose your erotic fantasies to your best friend than it does to your spouse or partner. Why? Well, with the latter, you may feel like you have more to lose . . . like that person’s affection, acceptance, respect or even commitment.
In many instances, spicing things up is primarily a function of being transparent and vulnerable with each other, rather than kinky per se. The loosening of inhibitions and playfulness which emotional vulnerability facilitates can be arousing in its own right. As author Taylor Jenkins Reid put it: “People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’—that’s intimacy.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
