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Woman with Photos of Faces
“I realized it when I laughed,” Karen explained.
“A guy at the party told this lame joke. It wasn’t funny, in fact, it was insulting and sexist. But when I heard it, I let out this fake laugh, which just stopped me in my tracks, hearing that phony giggle coming out of my mouth.”
“And what did you realize?” I asked.
“That how much of what I do around other people isn’t honest, how I go along to get along,” she replied.
“There’s a lot of that going around,” I reassured her.
“I know, but I never realized how much I do it. I just felt really fake and almost dirty somehow.”
Tact or Risk?
Consciously or otherwise, most of us learn the art of public pretense. We apply it in meetings, at parties and a host of other social and workplace settings. Viewed in its most positive frame, we call this activity “the art of conversation” or “tact” or “social graces.”
However, wearing a psychological mask for the benefit of others carries certain risks. This is particularly true if there isn’t at least one person with whom we can be honest and authentic. In that unhappy circumstance, if we wear a mask long enough, we can forget who we are beneath it. As author Ruta Sepetys put it: “I became good at pretending. I became so good that after a while the lines blurred between my truth and fiction. And sometimes, when I did a really good job of pretending, I even fooled myself.”
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Whenever we experience an interaction similar to what Karen described, where we feel one way but feign otherwise, a decision emerges. Am I going to pretend to enjoy or abide this individual’s company or behavior, or am I going to be real and let my negative appraisal or reaction be known?
Brutally Honest?
Unfortunately, the question is rarely simple. Most of the time, there are all manner of mitigating circumstances to weigh. What if the person in question is one’s boss, a co-worker, teacher, an overbearing and intimidating type, or someone who is well meaning but clearly clueless and distasteful nonetheless? Is it fair or wise to be brutally honest when our candor will likely offend the other party and, in some instances, come back to bite us?
f I do dispense with the masquerade, will I feel guilty afterward? What does it say about me as a person if I honor my own need to be genuine by trampling the feelings of another human being or creating a scene in a social setting? Gnarly questions.
“If you had chosen to be honest, what would you have done besides the fake laugh?” I asked Karen.
“Well, I would have said that I didn’t find the joke funny and considered it disrespectful toward women,” she replied.
“And if you had been true to yourself but not entirely honest?” I asked.
“I just wouldn’t have laughed or pretended to be amused. I probably would have excused myself and left,” she said.
Respectfully Genuine
Faking it is often disrespectful of oneself. Still, being unabashedly blunt is often disrespectful toward the other person, although some clearly deserve it. Alternatively, being respectfully genuine, while sometimes perceived as rude by others, sometimes balances the need to honor one’s own integrity with the duty to be sensitive to the humanity of the other person.
But it is not without its risks. Most social and business contexts come with rules of decorum, pretentious ways of acting and speaking, contrived diplomacy, etc. Corporate spin is a clear example in this regard. So, refusing to embrace these interpersonal conventions can bring criticism, rejection or even exile.
Ultimately, each of us must decide how important it is that we honor our integrity by speaking our truth. And if we do, then we must be prepared to pay the price for being genuine, while also remembering there is also a cost for being fake.
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