When people talk about "actual sex," theyare usually referring to penis-in-vagina intercourse. As countless sexeducators have written, the majority of women don't get enough clitoralstimulation from this type of sex alone to have an orgasm. Part of the problemthat many people have is that vaginal intercourse = "real sex" intheir minds, and everything else is "just" foreplay. I personallythink that the world would be a much better place if we all thought"outside the box" a little more, so to speak. Some people enjoyvaginal penetration, and some people find it doesn't do much for them, butbecause we're brought up thinking that this is the ultimate sex act, there'sinordinate pressure on women to enjoy this particular type of sex. Sometimesshifting one's thinking from vaginal sex being the main event to vaginal sexbeing just one of many things you engage in can be helpful. So if your partnerenjoys vaginal sex, then that can be part of what you do, and you canincorporate something else that you like into your play either before orafter.
The second thing I would suggest is incorporatingdifferent positions or sex toys into vaginal intercourse. Vaginal penetrationcan feel very different depending on what position you're in. If the typicalmissionary, doggy style, or girl-on-top aren't doing it for you, there are lotsof other creative things to try. If you'd like to add some clitoral stimulationto vaginal sex to make it more enjoyable, positions that allow for clitstimulation with a hand or vibrator are best. Woman-on-top positions let youcontrol the angle of penetration, and also provide access for either a woman orher partner to rub the clitoris with fingers or a toy. The famous Betty Dodson,godmother of female masturbation, recommends a "right angle" positionwhere a woman lies on her back and her partner lies on his side next to her,penetrating her from the side (creative leg positioning is necessary!). Again,this allows for easy access to the clitoris. A third position to try is spoons,lying side-by-side and front-to-back, with a woman being penetrated from behindby her partner. This is a great position to incorporate a vibrator into play,as you can easily hold it against the clitoris while being penetrated.
Speaking of sex toys, if you've never tried avibrating cock ring, it might be worth a whirl. These are stretchy rings thatfit around the shaft of the penis and have a small vibrator attached. Dependingon the position, they can provide clitoral stimulation, although they workbetter with shallow thrusting or grinding motions, since vigorous thrustingdoesn't allow for continuous contact with the vibe (and may causefrustration!). The We-Vibe is a couples' toy that is designed to be worn duringvaginal penetration, with one end inserted vaginally and the other end pressingagainst the clitoris. When it's inserted, both partners can feel vibration.Both c-rings and the We-Vibe are designed to provide clitoral stimulationduring vaginal penetration, so women who get a lot out of clitoral play oftenfind that toys make everyone happy.
In short, I think that your situation is not allthat uncommon, for reasons you already knowvaginal sex provides directstimulation to a man's penis but not to a woman's clitoris, and therefore somemen find it more enjoyable than some women do. A sad truth, but I don't thinkit means there's anything "wrong" with you or other women who findvaginal sex kind of ho-hum. It just means that all of us have to get a littlemore creative.
Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress?Send them to laura@shepex.com.Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannotprovide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sentto this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, andmay be edited for clarity and content.
Laura Anne Stuart has a master’s degree inpublic health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade.She owns the Tool Shed,an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side.
