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Is snooping through my partner’s phone considered stalking? Was that alcohol-fueled fight that got out of hand a one-time thing or a sign of something worse? Was walking away from a fight after I got cut off in traffic the right thing to do or a sign of weakness? Am I treating my kids the same way I was treated when I was growing up, even though I don’t like how I was raised?
These are the issues that surface during the group sessions of Nevermore Batterers’ Intervention Program for men with a history of domestic violence as they connect the dots between their childhood traumatic experiences, their abusive behavior and their views of their relationships, their sense of self and the world around them. On the surface, Nevermore men are learning how to repair their relationships and become better dads, but on a deeper level, the lessons these men learn and the healing they experience allow them to break the cycle of violence at home and in the community.
“Our goal is to rehabilitate the whole man, not just the part of the man that has problems with domestic violence,” says Steve Thomas, Nevermore’s program manager. “Our belief is that if you rehabilitate the whole man, you have a better man in society who is not contributing to some of the chaos out there.” Thomas understands the Nevermore program and philosophy from two perspectives: as the program’s leader and as a participant. Thomas—a former juvenile probation officer, correctional officer and deputy sheriff—committed a domestic violence felony and served time. Upon release from jail 15 years ago, he was court ordered to attend Nevermore, substance abuse counseling and mental health treatment. He wasn’t happy about it.
“I thought I didn’t need it,” Thomas says. “I knew everything, and, actually, the system for holding me accountable was wrong. That was the belief system.” He attended the sessions but didn’t get a lot out of them at first. Then, seven weeks into the 23-week program, he had an epiphany. “The topic was ‘taking care of me,’” he remembers. “That’s number one on Nevermore’s list of principles. I thought I was taking care of me. If you work at any level of corrections and law enforcement, you’re programmed a certain way. A lot of people don’t realize that they need to be deprogrammed.”
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Treating the Whole Man
Nevermore, which Thomas now leads, was developed in the 1980s by the Milwaukee Women’s Center, a division of Community Advocates (728 N. James Lovell St.) that provides emergency shelters, resources and services for survivors of domestic violence. “They said we’re helping the women, but nobody is helping the men that the women are going back to,” Thomas says. The result—Nevermore Batterers’ Intervention Program—is a holistic program for male abusers that requires them to be accountable for their actions, discover the root causes of their behavior and learn how to make better, more peaceful decisions going forward. “We are rehabilitating socialized behavior,” Thomas says.
Nevermore is unique in that participants are required to attend batterers’ intervention as well as parenting and healthy relationships workshops. Plus, they have easy access to Community Advocates’ wraparound services, such as housing, energy assistance, substance abuse counseling, mental health help and couples’ needs assessments. Last year, 218 men enrolled in Nevermore with an 83% completion rate. About 75% are court ordered to attend, 15% participate as part of a deferred prosecution agreement in a domestic violence case and 10% sign up on their own because they realize they need help. At the heart of Nevermore’s comprehensive services are the weekly group sessions. Thomas and his fellow facilitators use straight talk, humor and compassion to get the men to discuss tough issues without judgment. As the 23 weeks go on, they, too, have “A-ha” moments. “It’s mostly issues around his insecurities, ego and pride,” Thomas explains.
Terri Strodthoff, executive director of the Alma Center, provides trauma training to the men in the program to help them view themselves differently. “The way that trauma impacts our worldview is that we think the world is out to get us,” she adds. “My whole desire in this life is to survive. If you don’t have a switch on that, then you’re fighting against the world all the time.” Nevermore’s incorporation of trauma principles is unique among batterers’ intervention programs and allows participants not only to learn new behaviors but to heal at a deeper level.
“What trauma teaches us is that people have experienced pain, they have gone through experiences that have overwhelmed their capacity to cope with them, and that impacts their development,” Strodthoff explains. “And the way out of that is not just to learn different skill sets, it is to heal from what happened to you.” The Nevermore men’s healing process has the potential to impact the next generation. Boys who grow up witnessing their mother being abused are 10 times more likely to become abusers themselves. In addition, the trauma of family violence is one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that can contribute to poor outcomes later, such as substance abuse, mental health issues, unstable employment and unintended pregnancy. In many ways, healing the Nevermore men and their families is a way to heal our community by preventing abuse and violence in the next generation.
‘I Learned That I Do Have an Anger Problem’
Like Steve Thomas, Jo-El Bosley was court ordered to attend the Nevermore batterers and parenting sessions, and, as in Thomas’ case, Nevermore had a deeper impact on Bosley’s relationships, sense of self and career path than he could have predicted. “I learned that I do have an anger problem,” he says. “I have unresolved father issues [and] trauma from my early life that carried into my adulthood. There was all of this anger inside of me that would come up in different ways. Through Steve and the program, I learned that if you don’t take care of that unresolved trauma, it’s going to resurface in very bad and negative ways.”
Bosley credits Nevermore with teaching him to be a better dad to his kids; not just by being a good provider, but by actually being involved in their lives, knowing their friends and teachers and respecting their mom so they can co-parent with less conflict. These were lessons he didn’t learn growing up because his own father wasn’t around.
Nevermore also provided him with a new career and outlook on life. A facilitator passed on his résumé to Community Advocates’ leaders, who gave him a chance. A year-and-a-half later, Bosley was promoted to Rent Abatement Specialist in the Housing Department, and he’s also stayed out of trouble, without so much as a speeding ticket since completing the course. “If I hadn’t taken this class, I would probably be back in jail for one reason or another,” he says.
If Bosley could change anything, he’d add groups for Nevermore grads who want to continue to check in with each other and get support. According to him, it’s especially important to have an African American man like Thomas lead groups that encourage men of color to pay attention to their mental health and wellness. “Most black men don’t get mental health services, even though we need it. But having someone like Steve, a black man who has walked the walk, helping you, that makes a huge difference,” he says. Certainly, Thomas would love to serve more men, but financial support is always a challenge. Participants pay $10 for each session, but no one is turned away if they can’t pay. But those fees and grant support are stretched to the limit.
Thomas can’t imagine Milwaukee without Nevermore’s services. “I think you would have a whole lot more overall violence,” he says. “I think a lot of people would not get the message, and there are a lot of people who go out and share the message, and some come knocking on the door and say, ‘Hey, my brother was in here, and there’s a change I see in him, and all he does is talk about you guys.’ And we welcome him.”
To learn more about Community Advocates, call 414-449-4777 or visit communityadvocates.net. To learn more about the Nevermore Batterers’ Intervention Program, call 414-828-5190 or visit communityadvocates.net and click “Programs.”