‘Out of My Mind’s’ Philip Chard Speaks his Mind

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Photo courtesy of Philip Chard

Philip Chard

Philip Chard

Psychotherapist Philip Chard is a popular columnist for the Shepherd Express. In his Out of My Mind column, he tackles the complex world of human behavior, how we are all a plethora of contradictions and how we strive for self-acceptance, kindness, forgiveness, love, tolerance and the human qualities we all admire but don’t often practice. After a successful career in the field of mental health, Chard, at 75, has been a private psychotherapist for over 20 years.

Born in 1949, he grew up in Grayslake, Illinois, 3,000 residents surrounded by cornfields. He was the last of five children. His dad was a farmer and later an distributor for Standard Oil. “My mom was a left-wing Irish Catholic,” he told me. From K through 8th grade, he attended Catholic schools and then Grayslake Public High School where he wrote articles for the high school newspaper and played sports. He enrolled in Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa and graduated with three majors: philosophy, history and journalism. He landed a job as a psych tech at an in-patient psychiatric hospital in Des Moines.

“I spent a lot of time hanging out with psychiatric patients, and that’s how I got interested in psychotherapy, and I also earned my master’s degree in counseling psychology at Drake,” he said. He then worked at ADAPT, an alcohol and drug treatment center in Des Moines, where the staff treated inner city heroin and drug addicts. Chard became the director of patient and family services at Iowa Lutheran Hospital and counseled the oncology unit patients, many in the process of dying.

Taking a career chance, Chard took a job as a staff psychologist in Escanaba, Michigan, where he saw eight clients a day. “Then, I ran the behavioral science education program for Michigan State University in Marquette,” he said. “For seven years, I taught medical students in Escanaba and also family practice residents in Marquette, commuting back and forth.”

In 1987, Chard made a career move to Waukesha working for National Employee Assistance Services, which provided free counseling and crisis intervention for employees of companies who purchase the service. He later became the CEO and stayed on for 31 years until he retired. Since then, he has operated his private therapist practice. “I am not actually retired,” he told me, “I am repurposed.”

Chard and I met at his therapy office, a small pacific setting with warm lighting and a tranquil ambience. He communicated through a pleasant steady voice, his delivery low key, his attention unwavering.

When did you start writing your column, Out of My Mind?

Started my column in 1985 for the Milwaukee Sentinel and later for the Journal. In 2019, I switched over to the Shepherd Express.

You call your column Out of My Mind. Explain the meaning of that term. I guess that could mean “out of your mind” because you are sharing your own thoughts.

Yes, things coming out of my mind. Semantic ambiguity.

You’ve had your weekly column for 40 years. How do you decide your topics?

Sometimes, I get topics from my clients who might spark an idea. Or I might read something that gives me a topic.  

Your weekly columns seem to cover a wide range of behavioral issues. Let me name several: anxiety, happiness, ageism, jealousy, romantic relationships, insecurity, friendship, family dysfunction, hatred, creativity, perfectionism and even God—to name a very few. You rarely seem to be judgmental. In my view, that is a strength. Do you try to remind your readers to comprehend the concept of being non-judgmental?

Yes, I do, but I think about it a little differently. One of my strong values is kindness. When people think about their own issues or the issues of others, it’s important to examine these issues out of the lens of kindness. We all struggle, we all suffer, we all get wounded, and we all have that vulnerability in common. But we all have biases. The goal is to get past those biases. Readers tell me that I make issues understandable and that I am not judging them but describing what they are going through. I always say that people in mental health are good at describing things you already know in words you cannot understand. (laughing)

Is there a common human issue? For instance, is happiness a bigger issue than, say, financial success, career accomplishment, social prestige or even anger?

Happiness is important, but we prefer to use the term “life satisfaction.” You can be unhappy on a given day, but it doesn’t mean you are dissatisfied with life in general. One of the greatest regrets I hear from people is they feel as if they lived someone else’s life. In other words, you were marching to someone else’s drummer. Another thing is purpose, when people feel they don’t have a sense of purpose. Purpose is when a person feels he or she can make a positive contribution consistent with their values. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote, “Those who have a why to live for can endure almost anything.”

Nietzsche would know, given his checkered existence. So many people regret their career choices but stay on jobs for the money and security.

When people come to me with regrets, even bitterness, that is tough on them because they cannot undo their past. I try to work with them on the issue of self-compassion, realizing they are flawed and make mistakes. Self-compassion is one of the hardest things for people to embrace. It’s easier to be compassionate for someone other than yourself.

I notice that you counsel couples. Is there a behavioral issue that is most common in couples trying to get along or not getting along?

Yes. It’s control. When you see dysfunctional couples, they are battling for control. When couples trust each other, it’s much easier to let go of that control. If there is mistrust, people don’t feel emotionally safe, and that is when they have the desire to grab the steering wheel and gain control.

Correct me if I am wrong, and I am generalizing, but it seems like women, more than men, like to be controlled or let their men control them.

Women are taught to be more submissive, and that is part of our cultural bias. 

But don’t you think it is also instinctual? Men are more physically powerful than women and have the large testosterone. 

Interesting that you bring that up. What men seem to want most is to be accepted for who they are. They want their women to say, “I don’t need to reengineer you. You are fine the way you are.” But what women seem to want most in a marriage or relationship is engagement. They want him to interact because that makes them feel like they matter. 

It seems like women do a lot of complaining that men don’t show their feelings. Men are indoctrinated that to show their feelings is a weakness. 

Studies have shown that in the workplace, men use communication to establish dominance in the hierarchy. Meanwhile, the women are working to establish connection and equal communication. 

This goes all the way back to the dawn of humans 50,000 years ago. Men were the hunters. To kill the food, they hunted silently. Women were back at the camp working together to create a nest, care for children, prepare food. 

Good point. I think men in our culture have been dealt a bad hand because it is really hard for men to let their guard down and be vulnerable. Ironically, that is what women want from men because it makes them feel closer to their men.

This is anecdotal. I do a lot of walking on various paths. I rarely see two men walking together, and if I do, they aren’t doing much talking. But I see a lot of women together in twos and threes, and they talk a lot. 

Loneliness is very prevalent among males.

Guys talk about sports, business, competition, and they do a lot of kidding. My closest male friends and I unmercifully kid each other.

Stephen King once write, “A man’s heart grows on stonier ground.” That said it for me.

I write about controversial topics and about people who seem to have an agenda based on their politics or personal beliefs, even race and religion. This means a range of opinions, lots of judgements, insecurities and anger. Is there too much hate in the world?

Hate has always been around. We are a tribal species. Tribalism is alive and well, for example, in politics. Historically, hate ebbs and flows.

And then there is the hate emanating from religious and political factions.

Yes. Tribalism means, “I need to belong to a group and need to conform to the normative beliefs of that group to be accepted.” As a result, that sets up the concept of Us vs Them. But hate is part of being human. We all have hate inside of us.

In today’s world, there can be no greater example of hatred than on social media, which has really exacerbated Us vs Them. 

Don’t get me started on social media. So many groups on social media treat opposite groups as the enemy. Blind loyalty. Social media has become very important to young people. It is the fear of missing out. It’s so important for teenagers to belong, and social media is the platform.

And this creates exaggerations, even lies, not to mention outrage, betrayal and anger. I think that this method of communication would never be conducted in person. It’s called civility.

I agree.

Among your other professional accomplishments, you are a public speaker. What are some of your topics?

There are many topics, but there are some that audiences seem to prefer. One study I include is “The Political Mind”—the neurological, psychological differences between liberals and conservatives, and that includes centrists, moderates, libertarians and progressives. The study is about people’s values in how they live their lives.

What are some of your other speaker topics?

Another one is “Realistic Optimism” meaning what kind of behaviors and attitudes create the most emotional resilience in people. In other words, they are hopeful but also realistic. These people focus much more on effort than outcome. Athletes call that “being in the zone.”

The superb athletes share that in common. Tell me about another of your public speaker topics.

“Healing Emotion and Trauma,” what treatments can we do to help with trauma. Trauma is so prevalent in human behavior. Trauma affects the body and mind. A recent study revealed that over 80% of clients who come to psychotherapy have emotional trauma. 

I’ve often heard about the concept of the “authentic self.” I doubt that I am always authentic. In social and professional environments, a person has to create a persona to some extent for pleasing others, getting along in a group or family or in competition. So what is the “unauthentic self?”

You are right that we all in some sense are multiple personalities. We use these different personality facets to navigate the world. But if that process blinds you to the authentic part of yourself, namely of who you really are, then it gets problematic. When you play your roles in public or in work or in social situations, you should not forget who you are. Remember that who you spend the most time with is yourself. Psychotherapists try to help clients see their authentic selves.

In my long experience of interacting with people, getting to know so many people, I sometimes hear them lodge enormous complaints against their family members. Once in a while, I respond, “If they weren’t your family members, would they be your friends?”

That’s a great question to ask somebody. George Burns said, “The key to happiness is having a close-knit loving family . . . in another city.”

You are a successful therapist helping others with their vast ranges of issues. What are your own issues and insecurities?

I’m a big believer that therapists should go to therapy. I go to therapy about every few months. I don’t want my issues to get in the way of my client's issues. When I was younger, I suffered from anxiety, probably the most common mental health issue. That is almost under control now. I also deal with secondary traumatic distress or compassion fatigue. I feel other people’s pain pretty deeply. When I have a client who is treated in some awful way, I feel that inside me. The flip side is that presently in my life I consider my purpose to relieve people’s suffering.