News of the Weird: May 23, 2019

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Flipping out Over Fish

A 25-year-old man from Kapaa, Hawaii, will likely spend seven years in prison after going on a drug-fueled rampage in his former boss’s home in December. Forrest Broyles pleaded no contest on May 7 to charges that he broke into the home to claim his fair share of fish the two men had caught together. Broyles told Kauai police he was using the hallucinogenic concoction ayahuasca when he used a machete to break the glass front door of the home, reported The Garden Island. He threatened the boss and his wife, saying he “was going to kill him and chop him up,” then attacked the house instead, hitting a TV set, breaking windows, a sliding glass door, kitchen cabinets, stove, microwave and a canoe paddle, among other items, amounting to about $3,000 in damages. As Broyles angrily told detectives at the scene: “He owes me choke ahi!” Broyles was on probation at the time (for allegedly threatening two people with scissors). He is scheduled for sentencing in August.

What the Fuchs Wrong With You?

The Sioux Falls Argus Leader reported that Brody Fuchs, 25, of Tyndall, S.D., was arrested on April 23 and charged with second-degree burglary after a local man contacted police about items disappearing from his home over the course of a couple of years—specifically, about $500 worth of sex toys. The man had installed security cameras in the house, which caught Fuchs entering the home, staying for about 40 seconds, then leaving, according to the affidavit. Bon Homme County Sheriff’s officers searched Fuchs’ residence and found a number of sex toys the victim said belonged to him. It was unclear whether the homeowner and Fuchs were acquainted.

A Moo-ving Rebuttal

New Zealand House Speaker Trevor Mallard ejected National Leader Simon Bridges from the chamber on May 7, claiming that Bridges’ conduct was inappropriate during “Question Time.” “The member earlier made a barnyard noise of the sort that would not be accepted in a junior classroom,” Mallard said. But Bridges objected, saying, “I made no such noise, and it is entirely unfair for you as a speaker to say that sort of unprofessional comment.” The New Zealand Herald reported that Bridges later said Mallard’s comments made him feel like a “naughty boy.” Later inspection of video from the session revealed that Bridges had, in fact, made a loud sound of disapproval after an answer given by Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

Plowed Lawn Mower

A police officer in Haines City, Fla., was inside a local business on May 4 when he heard “a loud noise” outside. In the parking lot, he found Gary Anderson, 68, had just crashed his riding lawnmower (with trailer carrying a red cooler) into the officer’s cruiser, reported the Miami Herald. “Fuck it, I’m drunk,” Anderson told officers, according to an arrest affidavit. “Take me to jail.” He was so intoxicated, police said, that he failed a field sobriety test and “almost fell to the ground multiple times.” At the police station, Anderson accused police of poisoning him and requested that he be taken to a hospital, where test results found his blood-alcohol content to be three times Florida’s legal limit. Anderson has two prior DUI convictions and has not had a valid driver’s license since 1978. “It’s never a good idea to get behind the wheel drunk,” noted police Chief Jim Elensky, “even if that wheel is to a Craftsman, Massey Ferguson or John Deere.”

Fly, Freddy, Fly

Cinema’s Freddy Krueger has nothing on a winged resident of the Cascavel Zoo in Brazil. The Amazonian parrot started his life at the zoo about four years ago, after being shot in the upper beak during a raid at a drug den, which disfigured his face and earned him the name Freddy Krueger, reported The Guardian. In April, Freddy survived being bitten on the leg by a (nonvenomous) snake, which resulted in profuse bleeding. Just days later, armed thieves broke into the zoo and stole Freddy, along with another parrot and a cylinder of gas. But true to Freddy form, the parrot made his way back to the zoo, where veterinarian Ilair Dettoni speculated that Freddy’s deformities may have made him less desirable to the thieves. “I don’t know if Freddy is really lucky or unlucky,” he said. The other parrot and the gas cylinder have not been located.

© 2019 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION