Crustacean Nation
The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in Maine is seeking state permission to construct a permanent memorial to 4,500 or so lobsters that perished on Wednesday, Aug. 22, when a truck carrying them crashed in Brunswick. The monument, a 5-foot-tall granite tombstone, would “remind everyone that the best way to prevent such tragedies is to go vegan,” said Danielle Katz, director of PETA. The proposed wording for the stone is: “In memory of the lobsters who suffered and died at this spot August 2018, Try Vegan, PETA,” and would include a graphic of a lobster. Of course, Maine residents are possibly the least sympathetic about their crustacean counterparts: The Portland Press Herald reports that in 2017, 110 million pounds of lobster were harvested in the state.
Come On In!
Along with a nail salon, massage parlor and dry cleaner, a mall in Toronto, Canada, is now the site of North America’s first sex doll brothel. Aura Dolls offers “an exciting new way” for patrons to achieve their desires “without the many restrictions and limitations that a real partner may come with,” says the company’s website. Marketing director Claire Lee told City News on Aug. 27 that customers “come in, they have their own room [with] a TV monitor that plays adult entertainment and a doll ready and waiting for you.” Lee also assures potential customers that the dolls will be cleaned after each customer using a three-step process. The company says it has had requests from women for male dolls and is considering adding them.
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Nixing the Knicks
Lifelong New York Knicks fan Evan Perlmutter, 33, finally hit the wall with his team. Fed up that the Knicks had been promising a better future for a decade, he told Bleacher Report, Perlmutter posted a listing on eBay to sell his fandom. In the description, he promised to root for the team of the auction winner’s choosing and “burn no less than three articles of Knicks memorabilia.” Sure enough, he got a bite: James Riedel, 23, of Orange County, Calif., paid $3,500 for Perlmutter’s fandom on Aug. 24, converting Perlmutter into a Los Angeles Lakers fan. Perlmutter plans to attend a few Lakers games with Riedel and record his destruction of his Knicks gear for Riedel’s YouTube channel.
Dog-sitting…and More!
Colorado Springs, Colo., resident Klete Keller engaged the services of a female dog-sitter through an app called “Wag!” for his pet, Jimbo. But Keller’s tail was not wagging when he returned home early on the morning of Aug. 27 to find two shirtless men sitting on his couch and “an open bottle of personal lubricant and a camcorder on the end table,” Keller told Fox 21 News. When reached for comment, the unnamed dog-sitter said her keys were stuck in her car, and she “didn’t have WD-40, so I ended up grabbing what I had in my car, for things, that, you know, I do on my personal time.” But Keller also noticed what he suspected was “bodily fluids” on the couch and said Jimbo was locked in a bedroom, sitting in his own urine and acting terrified. “It was just, just a total mess, and I can only imagine what poor Jimbo saw in there,” Keller said. The sitter did admit that she shouldn’t have invited guests over, but it’s a good bet her former 4.96 out of 5 rating on “Wag!” might take a hit.
You Want Fentanyl Fries With That?
William Parrish Jr., 32, and McKenzee Dobbs, 20, of Ocala, Fla., were just trying to better accommodate their customers when they turned the kitchen window of their mobile home into a drive-thru for heroin addicts. They also installed helpful directional signs and even had a “Closed, Please Call Again” sign alerting buyers when they’d next be open. Ocala police officers who raided the trailer on Aug. 23 were tipped off by several overdoses happening nearby. “We were able to determine that the product was laced with fentanyl,” police Capt. Steven Cuppy told WFTV. Parrish and Dobbs told Ocala police they thought a drive-thru window would be less noticeable than people regularly going in and out of their home through the doorway.
© 2018 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION