Satanic Poses
Pastor John Lindell of the James River Church in Ozark, Mo., took the opportunity presented by Halloween to compose a paranormal-themed sermon that warned against the evils of Halloween, fortune-telling, Wicca and…yoga. According to the Springfield News-Leader, Lindell warned his parishioners on Oct. 28 that yoga positions were “created with demonic intent to open you up to demonic power; Hinduism is demonic!” He went on: “To say the positions of yoga are no more than exercise are (sic) tantamount to saying water baptism is just aqua aerobics!” Local yoga instructors are not amused, especially because, in the wake of Lindell’s religious rants, fewer people have been showing up to their classes.
NFL DUI
Christopher Greyshock, 57, of West Milford, N.J., used the old disappointed football fan excuse to explain how things went wrong after he was involved in a traffic accident in Wayne on Nov. 11 that injured two people: “I drank too much because the Jets suck.” According to News12, as first responders were attending to the injured, Greyshock staggered toward them smelling of alcohol and railing against the New York Jets football team. A field sobriety test confirmed Greyshock was inebriated, and he was arrested. On the front seat of his car were a bottle of bourbon and marijuana. This just in: The Jets still suck.
Corny STEM Lesson
David Rush of Boise, Idaho, has found a unique way to score his 15 minutes of fame. On Nov. 13, at the public library in Oak Brook, Ill., Rush set his mind to achieving a new Guinness record for eating sweet corn kernels within three minutes with a toothpick. Rush, who holds 40 Guinness records, succeeded on his third try, downing 241 kernels. “It’s a ridiculous talent to have,” Rush admitted to the Chicago Tribune. “I practiced skewering a lot to prepare along with the size of the plate, spreading out the corn and best toothpicks to use.” Rush told the Tribune he got involved in breaking records to promote science, technology, engineering and math education (STEM), saying a lot of kids don’t feel confident about STEM subjects. “If you believe you can get better at something and work hard at it, you can get better at anything,” he explained.
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Millennial Monopoly
Hasbro has determined that the buying hotels and houses aspect of the time-honored “Monopoly” boardgame doesn’t much appeal to Millennials, who “can’t afford it anyway” (not that the kids of previous generations could either, but anyway). So, just in time for Christmas, the company has released a new version of “Monopoly” for teens and 20-somethings, in which players, whose game pieces include an emoji and a vintage camera, gather “experiences” rather than property. On the box, Rich Uncle Pennybags holds a takeout coffee, wears earbuds and sports a “participation medal” reading: “If you had fun, you won!” USA Today reported the game’s “experiences” include “Thrift Shop” and “Farmers Market,” along with dining at a vegan bistro and attending a music festival. But, make sure you Uber home: There is still a “Go to Jail” space on the board.
Flimsy Disguise
The Zolotoy Bridge in Vladivostok, Russia, is more than a mile long and opened in 2012, but, three years later, inspectors banned pedestrians from crossing it because the walkways were too narrow to be safe. United Press International reports the ban didn’t stop four pedestrians on Nov. 8, who attempted to cross the vehicle-only bridge wearing a yellow cardboard bus costume to disguise themselves. Police weren’t buying it, though, and pulled them over.
Divorce Detonation
Like many recently untethered people, Kimberly Santleben-Stiteler, 43, wanted to celebrate her divorce with a party, so on Nov. 10, she hosted about 40 people at her father’s farm near Lacoste, Texas, about 25 miles west of San Antonio. The big bang of the party wasn’t the music or the food, though, according to the San Antonio Star-Telegram. Santleben-Stiteler wanted to burn her wedding dress, which “represented a lie,” she said, and not just burn it, but blow it up. Her dad and brother-in-law attached exploding targets to the dress, and to really take things up a notch, also rigged it with 20 pounds of Tannerite, the same explosive used in the targets. “We have a friend who is a bomb tech, and he kept saying, ‘that’s really a lot,’” Kimberly’s sister told the newspaper. Shooting from 200 yards away, Santleben-Stiteler hit her target on the first shot. Residents of Medina County heard and felt the explosion as far away as 15 miles. “It was liberating pulling that trigger,” Santleben-Stiteler said. “It was closure for all of us.”
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