Welcome to Niceville
A naked man opened the door to firefighters responding to a house fire in Niceville, Fla., on Aug. 27 and said “I’m sorry” before closing the door in their faces. James Cunningham, 53, later admitted to police he’d had two liters of vodka and had smoked marijuana before trying to bake cookies on his George Foreman grill, reported WPLG Local 10. The experiment went wrong when the grill and cookies caught fire, so he covered them with a dry towel, which also caught fire. Firefighters said if he’d been in the house any longer, he could have died from smoke inhalation.
And More from the Sunshine State
New Jersey resident Gregory Lazarchick, 56, made a bad day worse on July 21 when he told greeters at Disney’s Saratoga Springs Resort in Lake Buena Vista, Fla., he’d been sent by al-Qaida to “blow the place up.” According to the Orlando Sentinel, the greeters told Orange County deputies Lazarchick complained of having a bad day before issuing his threat, but deputies found no bomb-making materials in his hotel room. The remorseful Lazarchick posted bond after his arrest for false report of a bombing.
What’s with Florida Already?!
Known for his blond mullet and numerous social media rants, zoo owner “Joe Exotic” (real name: Joseph Maldonado-Passage) has been cooling his heels in a Florida jail since his arrest Sept. 7 for allegedly attempting to hire two people in late 2017 to kill an unnamed woman. According to the Orlando Sentinel, one of those “killers” was an undercover FBI agent, and Maldonado-Passage was indicted on federal murder-for-hire charges. It all started “many, many years ago,” said Carole Baskin of Big Cat Rescue in Tampa, Fla., who claims to be the “unnamed woman” Maldonado-Passage was hoping to have killed. She said he has threatened her repeatedly, even posting a video of himself online shooting an effigy of Baskin in the head. Tangentially, Maldonado-Passage was also a candidate in a three-way Libertarian Party primary run for governor this summer. He finished third.
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I Smell a Rat
At Kirby High School in Memphis, Tenn., things are quiet as a mouse... or a rat. Shelby County Schools Superintendent Dorsey Hopson told the Memphis Commercial Appeal he’s looking for a temporary home for the school’s 800 students after closing it on Sept. 5 due to rat infestation. The problem started in mid-August, when district personnel uncovered a rat’s nest during a renovation project. Eighty rats were trapped at the school, and poison was set out. When students returned after Labor Day, poisoned rats began dying within the school’s walls, and the stench became overwhelming. Calling the situation an “unavoidable act of nature,” Hopson said he expects students to return sometime in early November.
How About a Therapy Chicken, Then?
Lona and Joseph Johnson of Bellingham, Wash., survived the Las Vegas mass shooting last October and decided to get a dog to help with the trauma that haunted them after the incident. “We heard that dogs are good pets to help with the healing and PTSD, and so we bought Jax,” Joseph told the Bellingham Herald. But on Sept. 2, neighbor Odin Maxwell, 49, shot and killed Jax, telling police the dog was chasing his chickens. An investigation showed no chickens were harmed, and Maxwell was cited for discharging a firearm.
Dishing Out Porn
Patricia Ann Hill, 69, of White Hall, Ark., called 911 on July 28 to report she had shot her husband, Frank, 65. But she had a motive: Patricia told Jefferson County Sheriff’s investigators she had previously disagreed with her husband’s purchase of a pornography channel on Dish Network, and she canceled the channel, telling Frank that if he reordered it, he’d have to leave. That day, reported the Pine Bluff Commercial, the Dish bill arrived, revealing that the channel had, indeed, been re-added, so Patricia confronted Frank in his “man cave” and told him to go. When he refused, Patricia fetched a .22-caliber pistol from the house and shot him twice, killing him. Hill was charged with capital murder and held without bond in the Jefferson County adult detention center.
Heart Attack on a Plate
It’s one way to get a ride to lunch: Knox County, Ky., Sheriff’s deputies responded on Aug. 24 to a home in Corbin, where Kenneth Ray Couch, 35, had reportedly stolen a handgun. As they searched for Couch, they learned he had been transported to the hospital in an ambulance after staging a heart attack at nearby Dixon’s market. When police arrived at Baptist Health Corbin, WYMT reported, they found Couch in the cafeteria, which had apparently been his goal all along. Couch was arrested and charged with first-degree burglary and falsely reporting an incident.
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