The Milkmen: An Inside-The-Park Home Run

Set the GPS to Franklin Field, get down here and bring your best “moooooooo” with you.

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How dare you take your anti-consumerist mainstream-media-snubbing rock’n’roll belle to the baseball game? I’ll tell you how. Don’t settle for nosebleed seats at the Brewers. Instead, go straight to the front row for the Milkmen. You heard me. It’s not even the Minor Leagues but what’s the difference? She’ll suddenly appreciate the view from above the on-deck circle, where, lo and behold, the Milkmen’s pin striped tights are even tighter up close and personal. Take it from me, she’s a baseball fan for good now, and what could be better than that? Collective liberation?

With Milorganite wafting on the breezes and the near-full moon rising above the bleachers in the early eve, we enter the recently minted Franklin Field, a complex of ballfields situated on the southwest outskirts of Milwaukee County, USA. We are greeted first by a cacophony of cowbells—it’s the “More Cowbell Game,” where the first 500 in attendance receive their very own cowbell! Honestly, the cowbells are more like “calf” bells, but are you surprised? Real cowbells, like on a drum set or on an actual adult cow, are pretty big and heavy, and very loud. They’re doing us all a favor giving away the cheaper toy version.

Now back to the Milkmen from the front row. Each player on the squad brings a little of their own flare and accoutrements to their ‘fit. My favorite player accented his black-and-white Milkmen uni with a shiny gold belt complimented by bold purple batting gloves. The cartoonish cow mascot, “BO VINE,” dons #2% on his oversized Milkmen jersey as he hops about with his antics. The cameraperson crouched by the dugout steps is rocking a cow-spotted bandana beneath their headphones and mirror sunglasses, and there’s just something about their aura, the way they carry themselves, that expresses how much they absolutely love their life, shooting for the Milwaukee Milkmen.

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Van the Milkman

During most half-inning breaks the entertainment program squeezes in locally sponsored field shows and gimmicks led by a charismatic bow-tied MC, Van the Milkman, who also does the play-by-play on the PA. Onlookers are presented with a “Human Ring Toss” game, a “Junior Announcer” segment, meet “Today’s Toddler,” (which was just OK), and finally the “Clock Giveaway.” Something tells me the Milkmen marketing staff has been trying for a while to give this giant ugly clock away. The clock is far too big and ugly to give away to anyone. Literally no one wants or has room for such a large ugly clock. It was genuinely hilarious, however, watching them offering it up to not a single soul. Seriously, it’s worth the trip to see the Milkmen just for the massive ugly clock failed giveaway schtick, if not the baseball.

Speaking of the baseball, the Milkmen did in fact hit an early-inning inside-the-parker—a rarity, and the cowbells clanged away. Starting pitcher #30, Jhordany Mesquita tossed a sparkling gem in his 2025 debut, hurling six shutout innings and allowing only two hits to the visiting Rail Cats of Gary, Indiana. I found myself second-guessing the Milkmen manager when he pulled Mesquita to open the seventh, and wouldn’t you know it, the first Rail Cats batter to face a Milkmen reliever hit a solo homer to center, cutting the Milkmen lead to two runs. A canned recording of crickets piped through the loudspeaker in jest as the Rail Cat rounded the bases. But thereafter the bullpen did its job, the manager was redeemed in my esteem, and the Milkmen won by a well-earned 3-1 final score.

The calf bells went berserk with the victory by the home team, and the best part was we saw all the action right in front of us, the players all heard our cheers, and we kept our wallets mostly intact. Milkmen games make a great date for not only artist couples from Riverwest but any couple, family, or group of friends or coworkers looking to enjoy a game of baseball without the hassle or expense of the Major League experience. Their $1-beer Thirsty Thursdays is a brave deal, for example. Plus, they offer several premium seating sections where your ticket earns you all-you-can-eat—incredible! So, in summary: it’s not past time for America’s pastime down here in the mall-world corner of Milwaukee County, USA. Set the GPS to 7035 S. Ballpark Drive, get down here and bring your best “moooooooo” with you.