Prosports have no off-seasons, just times when they suspend the games toget to the really important stuff—deciding who’ll get paid how much bywhom. Just as fans are getting focused on baseball, the NFLpower-sweeps into the picture this weekend with the two-dayextravaganza of its annual player draft. The Observers will not beamong those watching ESPN’s saturation coverage.
Frank: As you know, my friend, I usually do some homework before our discussions.
Artie: It’s what I depend on.
Frank: But I just couldn’t get prepared for the NFL draft.
Artie: I’m shocked! How come?
Frank: Tworeasons. First, the draft makes me recall the words of a friend. Sheliked watching actual athletic competition but couldn’t stand all thepreviews and halftimes and post-game blather, which she called“collateral folderol.”
Artie: All those “what ifs” leading up to the draft sure qualify as folderol.
Frank: And second, I suffered a “sighting” last week.
Artie: Um, a sighting?
Frank: I was looking for a score update on ESPN when suddenly the screen was filled with... Mel Kiper Jr. And my blood ran cold.
Artie: How well I know the feeling.
Frank: It’sjust so creepy. That glossy, swept-up hair. The endless words about whoneeds what and who’ll pick whom and whose stock is rising or falling. Ijust get very, very scared.
Artie: Some people feel that way about clowns. Maybe that’s how you’re seeing him.
Frank: Nah,if he wore a red ball on his nose it would help, at least for me. I’mconvinced that Kiper isn’t a person at all, but an ArtificialIntelligence creation by some mad techno-arm of ESPN or the NFL, orboth.
Artie: Not a bad theory.
Frank: Nohuman brain could a) hold all the information that Kiper spouts out, orb) seriously believe that most of it is worth absorbing.
Artie: A heapin’ helpin’ of folderol, you betcha. I myself wonder where they keep Kiper for, like, 48 weeks a year.
Frank: Ihave a theory. He’s at ESPN, which is owned by Disney, right? With thatthrowback hair, all they have to do is stitch on a beard, add a blacksuit and stovepipe hat and...
Artie: By God, you’ve cracked the case! They ship him to Disney World and he’s the animatronic Lincoln in the Hall of Presidents.
Frank: Still, no matter how often I say, “He’s not real, he’s not real,” I can’t look at him.
Artie: Perhapsyou can deal with his words in print. A week before the draft hepredicted on ESPN.com that the Green Bay Packers would use the No. 9overall pick to take Busari “B.J.” Raji, defensive tackle out of BostonCollege.
Frank: The Gift of the Raji, huh?
Artie: Thesemock drafts change all the time, but many analyses say Raji should goin the top 10. He certainly addresses a need as the Packers shift to a3-4 defense—you’ve got to have that anchor at nose tackle.
Frank: So he’s a giant?
Artie: Notvertically, in that he’s listed at 6-foot 1. But horizontally, at 330pounds or so, he’s mighty fine. There were reports that he testedpositive for marijuana at the scouting combine. But for me, as long asa guy’s not smoking pot on the field, big deal. Let’s worry aboutwhether he can play.
Frank: One wide-body, check.
Artie: Alsofor the 3-4, the Packers need outside linebackers, or defensive endsthey can convert to linebackers, as they’re planning with AaronKampman. The success of the Steelers and Patriots with the 3-4 iswiping out some of the old height “rules” for defensive linemen.Because the 3-4 linemen mainly plug things up, the key question isn’t“How tall is he?” but “Can he play football?”
Frank: Think of it: common sense in the NFL draft!
Artie: In The Sporting News draftpreview, they list “areas of concern” for each team—high, moderate andlow—and the top areas for the Packers are outside LBs, defensivelinemen and offensive tackle. But there’s competition; out of 32 NFLteams, 20 had as their “high concern” defensive end, tackle or both.
Frank: Still, with the ninth pick the Packers should get a real good prospect.
Artie: Butthe GM, Ted Thompson, likes to “trade down” and collect another body ortwo. The Packers already have nine picks, the most in their division,but it wouldn’t surprise me if Thompson dealt that No. 9 for additionalchoices because having three mediocre guys is a lot better than havingone stud, ain’a? No matter what he does, you can’t really judge a draftuntil two, three years have passed.
Frank: The Packrecently signed an offensive lineman, Duke Preston, who had been withBuffalo. Six-foot-five and 325, and he’s played all the line positions.But Mike McCarthy may have something else in mind. He said of Preston,“He’s got a nice frame... We see him as an athletic frame.” What, are they gonna turn him into a blocking sled for practice?
Artie: Acouple years ago, the Pack went to this “zone blocking” concept, wherethey weren’t looking for the 370-pound monsters but rather the320-pound “athletic types” for their quickness.
Frank: Oh, the 320-pounders are the puny guys?
Artie: It was “speed over size,” but it didn’t work. Here, if you’re talking about his “frame,” that’s size.
Frank: ButMcCarthy also said that if linemen are “athletic, they have the abilityto gain more strength and size and be more physical.” In other words,size and speed—and wouldn’t that be what you want from anyone?
Artie: No matter what style you play.
Frank: Thesemeandering quotes that add up to “We want a guy to be really good”raises another football topic—the retirement of John Madden. Some folksrhapsodize about him as the greatest NFL color man ever. Not to be aspoilsport, but I never figured out what Madden did that was so great,except adding “doink” to the language.
Artie: Boom!—that’s no small accomplishment.
Frank: Tome, his analysis always sounded something like, “Now if you can getyour running game going, that’s a good thing because then you can runthe ball or pass the ball, but if you can’t run the ball then you haveto pass all the time.” Maybe that’s a revelation to someone just infrom Uzbekistan, but not to anyone who’s ever watched football.
Artie: “Who’s on first,” John? I think his departure proves that Brett Favre is retired for good. This was Madden’s favorite player.
Frank: Andhis favorite two words to say. “When you talk about Brett Favre... Thisis Brett Favre’s kind of football... Brett Favre is at his best whenhe’s just being Brett Favre.” I understand Madden’s folksy image, and Iknow this ain’t rocket science, but for explaining the game a guy likeMoose Johnston is way better.
Artie: Or Cris Collinsworth or Ron Jaworski.
Frank: Nowwe have another Packer topic—the newly released 2009 schedule. Lots oftalk about how it looks good early, with the opener at home against theBears and then two 2008 stinkos, the Bengals and Rams.
Artie: Butlast year they had a home game against Atlanta, which was coming off aterrible year, and they lost. Still, you know they’ll win two games forsure. God bless the Lions!
Frank: ThePack’s game at Cleveland could be special. Eric Mangini is the Browns’new coach, having been dumped by the Jets. And whom has he asked tomentor his quarterbacks in training camp?
Artie: Probably not Michael Vick, so I’ll say Mr. Favre, who helped get Mangini fired by fading out last season.
Frank: Given Brett’s penchant for un-retiring, might he be the QB the Packers face on Sunday, Oct. 25?
Artie: Nope, that’ll be the next week when they play the Vikings.
My scenario is that Brett signs with Minnesota in mid-season to replace an injured starter. Remember, folks, you read it here.
Frank: One more thing about Lambeau Field. It could host real football,namely soccer’s World Cup. The U.S. is bidding to host the Cup in 2018or 2022, and Lambeau was named as one of 70 potential sites.
Artie: Manoh manischewitz, soccer on our tundra! But good lord, 2022? You’ll haveto hold a seance to let me know how things turn out.
Frank: I’ll designate a third party. We might both be in a different league of existence by then.
Photo: The Observers’ mock draftnik
