When displaying our love, hugs and kisses are perfect, but they’re not very funny. Much farther down on the list of ways to show adoration, you’ll find the roast—where the praise is cloaked by levity, jokes, and insults, with a few sincere words at the end. The game plan today calls for roasting our beloved Green Bay Packers as they begin their quest to win a fifth Lombardi Trophy.
So, let’s kid because we care, and tear these guys new ones based on their headshots from the 1991 Nintendo classic Tecmo Super Bowl.
Ron Hallstrom - Right Guard
Never leave this man alone with your wife.
Tim Harris - Outside Linebacker
This is the same winning smile he flashes in that dealership commercial where he says that “Ford Trucks have been known to SACK the competition!”
Tony Mandarich - Right Tackle
Fun fact: Steroid abuse can slowly turn a man into Hannibal Lecter.
Brian Noble - Inside Linebacker
“I eat rookie punks for breakfast. Are you a rookie punk?”
Jeff Query - Wide Receiver
You can’t tell, but he’s wearing turquoise jorts and a Def Leppard Pyromania tank-top cut off to reveal his bellybutton.
Herman Fontenot - Running Back
Can you help him get his headshot sent to Will Smith? Herman’s really hoping to land a part on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Don Majkowski - Quarterback
Is he transforming his smile into a telephone?! My God, he really is a magician.
Anthony Dilweg - Backup Quarterback
“Tonight’s top story: Despite my dashing good looks, I can’t overtake Don Majkowski on the depth chart. However, I’ve got my eyes on his girlfriend. More on this story as it develops.”
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Ed West - Tight End
He maintains a positive attitude and a chipper disposition despite repeatedly being told he reported to camp thirty pounds overweight.
Mark Murphy - Strong Safety
He looks like comic Todd Barry and Powder had a threesome with Mona Lisa's smile. You might remember him as the sad sack from the children’s game Guess Who?
Alan Veingrad - Left Tackle
When Ron Hallstrom asks to be left alone with your wife, and Alan Veingrad tries to calm your nerves by saying not to worry, he’ll be with her too, be warned, IT’S A DIRTY TRICK.
Matt Brock - Defensive End
Polite, affable, well-groomed, all-around nice guy. Just tap him on the shoulder and let him know if you ever want to sit down and rap about Jesus.
Sterling Sharpe - Wide Receiver
That five-head above his brow is due to gigantism caused by chugging too many bottles of a Brain & Nerve Tonic a curmudgeonly old man gave him.
Don Bracken - Punter
You might have seen him on reruns playing a bumpkin on The Andy Griffith Show, but get a load of this: He could also croon with the voice of an angel.
Rich Moran - Left Guard
He played Steven Seagal’s sparring partner at the dojo who barely utters a full sentence before getting brutally murdered by the Yakuza at the end of act one in the unreleased action flick Sensei Limbsnapper, and still considers that the highlight of his life.
Bob Nelson - Defensive Tackle
The lost Pep Boy! He’s aiming for that look where he kind of reminds Star Wars nerds of Lando’s weird alien copilot aboard the Millennium Falcon, Nien Nunb.
Johnny Holland - Inside Linebacker
“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… Shheeeeeeeeeeee-it.”
Gadzooks, that was a lot of fun, but in all seriousness, Go Pack Go. Oh, and Aaron “AaRo” Rodgers, if you’re out there and you still need a wingman, just let me know.
